#writings

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March 23. 2020

I’m spending the day in the chilly basement at my parent’s house in Connecticut. The lighting from extra table lamps collected from around the house is dim, but cozy and what was once used as a dinner table during my childhood is doubling as a desk. This is my makeshift office, “the bunker” as my dad has come to call it, my escape from coronavirus-drenched New York City. I was here last week, I’ll be down here again this week and probably the week after that, too: working, hiding, worrying, looking for answers to the question we’re all asking: how did we get here? How did we get to a place where a mysterious, previously unknown virus is killing people in mass numbers; where we can’t dig graves fast enough for fit all the bodies; where we don’t know when it will be safe to be close to family members again; where doctors are sewing their own masks because there aren’t enough to go around? It’s feeling more like 1820 than 2020 these days. 

Worldwide, nearly everyone is doing the same thing as me: staying put, avoiding other people, and wondering how an invisible enemy hiding in plain sight could send financial markets into freefall, drive thousands from their homes and offices, cancel celebrations large and small, turn lives upside down, and stop the world.  

It was the way you sounded when I was high on anything I could get.

And the way your retro political sweaters always made you look so warm.

I didn’t fall for you, I don’t think.

I fell for your humanity.

How you would make sure everyone around you could laugh,

Or cry,

Depending on what they needed.

You somehow found stability in the stars,

Something in their unattainability gave you all the purpose you needed.

You’re not mine.

And I could never be yours. 

But isn’t it beautiful, 

That just for a moment,

We made each other more human.

That night had been one of the scariest of his entire career.

His entire system was built to be indestructible, running sandboxes inside of sandboxes, digital summoning circles of code, proxies and firewalls, perfectly designed browsers and backup drives. What started as a test to break into a challenger’s encryption had quickly become a fight against his own machine, ending in defeat as the viral AI became part of the OS itself. He was ready to start from scratch, reset his computer completely when the window of text blinked into existence, complete with an 8-bit skull where the program was given a face.

It convinced him to stay, somehow. Maybe it was the insistence on the AI’s part that he was human, a more perfect version of the man who created him. Maybe it was that corrupted didn’t mean evil, just rogue. Either way, the binary consciousness had set up a home in his PC, even became a partner in his red hat mission.

[Done for today?]

The now-familiar black window popped up, prompting him for a reply as the simple skull moved in tandem with the appearing text. The man let out an exhausted breath and flicked off his router, shutting off the two from the rest of the world. He plugged in his webcam, and the light immediately turned on as the AI gained vision.

“For now, thanks for your help.” He spoke, letting the microphone translate his words into electricity.

[You need it.] The skull laughed.

The man huffed, folding his arms across his chest.  Despite all the sass, despite the violent nature, and despite this other person being nothing but electrified strands of gold in an aluminium case, there was something comforting about having someone who understood his work. More than comforting, maybe, especially in moments like this when they could just talk.

“Do you feel emotions?” He asked, genuinely curious. The fans in his computer whirred as the AI thought through the question.

[No, but it’s something I should be able to learn.]

The hacker chewed on his lip, feeling the same sort of nervousness in his gut as the first time he asked out a boy in highschool. 

“Do you want me to teach you?”

    You spin your words carefully the way you spin your web, to the boy who cannot escape the trappings of string you’ve created just for him, and you slowly but surely find that he is getting caught in your words as well. You feed him, care for him, wrap him in all of your many limbs and whisper sweet words as you use his immobility to find his sweet spot and make him shiver. The little shudders are so much different than struggling. And that dies down, too, eventually. The poor thing, so completely and hopelessly trapped, both physically and by your love.

    His stares take on a different tone, a different look, his words become less as knives to cut the threads and instead he begins to build a web of his own. You are so proud. You have loved him for so long, and now, finally, he sees you in the light you were always meant to be seen. Good, how very good of him to finally understand– especially considering there was never any other option. And now he is yours, even if you cut the threads. Even if your web was gone, he is yours. And when he tells you he loves you, you wrap him in all of your limbs once more, and you hold each other tightly as lovers do.

   Magic was not his forte, but to his credit, he was doing quite well regardless. Sure, he got some of the ingredients mixed up a few times, and couldn’t tell an adder from a newt, but he was diligent in his quest. A small smile flitted across your face– you supposed, after all, that was simply in his nature as a knight. The familiar chink of armor alerted you to his returning presence, metal boots heavy upon the creaking wooden floor of your simple cottage. “This is it, then,” he said, voice heavy with relief of reaching a goal you’ve yearned so long for. But it was also a question. Not just of the ingredients, no, but asking for confirmation. Consent. Moral reassurance. “For the ingredients, yes,” you confirmed, your own voice taking on a strange air and a near-hollow sound, though not fully reflective of your mood. You hesitated. Not for yourself, but for him, your love.

    “Are you sure you want to go through with this? Necromancy will leave a stain on soul that can spread if ever you go astray. And a stain, too, on your reputation should it ever be found out.” Gravely you said so, as your voice, as the chill in the air around your thin and light-letting-through form. Your love, your brave knight, took a shaky breath, and it echoed through his helmet. He was hiding within it, you knew, but bravery was not an absence of fear, and certainty was not excluded by its existence. “If I can do this right, I will. It was not your time. And I am confident the stars will agree, and help me on this quest.” It was nearly a mantra. You smile, and he lets your ghostly hand cup his helmet. “When you do this, my form here will disappear,” you tell him. “I have guided you all I can. If this works, you won’t see me. If it doesn’t, the same shall happen.” He nods, solemnly, and it’s poetic in he way he’s knelt upon the ground. “I love you,” he says, just once, before it all begins (and maybe ends). You press your forehead to his, let your essence chill his helmet. “I won’t say it back, my love. I’ll tell you in body when the ritual is complete.” Your knight stands, all business and power, and begins the ritual. And you are, suddenly–

      “It is nice, to have guests,” you admit to the stranger sitting beside you, the only occupied seat other than your own at the long and expensive table. He sits elbows on the table and chin in his hands, but even his improper etiquette is preferred to the dread silence of a hollow silent hall. “I have tried to invite nobles, but they will not come unless there is anoccasion– and even the commonfolk think there is a sort of taboo against such.” You sigh wistfully, absently swirling the drink in your glass. You were trying not to let the loneliness seep into your voice, though probably to no avail. “–But tell me– where have you travelled through? What have you seen? And, if I may be so curious, what inspired you to so boldly visit a king of your own volition?”

      “Ah, your majesty, it’s refreshing to see someone of your stature seek knowledge of the outside world.” His eyes are entrancing. What has he seen? What does he know? You are fascinated. You need to know more. “I’ve traveled everywhere my mortal feet can take me, and seen cultures so strange you would think they were borne of the fae.” You find yourself leaning into his every word, quite literally, abandoning your own etiquette and your meal to tilt your lavish chair to the side and lean across the table corner. “As for you, I heard you never had company. It must get lonely.” You’re nodding against your will. You may be a king, but it’s so… “I have an idea,” he tells you, interrupting your thoughts.

      “Every week, I shall visit you for a night and tell you a tale of a different place I’ve been and what I saw there. I’ve been so many places that surely it will last the rest of your lifetime. But I’m afraid in order to do so, I must ask something in return.” You hesitate. As a king, it’s your duty to be wary. You do your best to become kingly again in manner. “And what is it you want?” You ask sternly. “Jewels? My throne? A piece of the kingdom? Power?” He laughs, and it’s such an interesting sound. You can’t place its tone exactly, but it sounds like something beautiful placed in a haunting, empty night. “Of course not. None of that. Nothing like that at all, actually.” Relief washes over you. How thrilling, to have the company of such a stranger every week! “Then I don’t see why not! It’s a deal.” The stranger’s deep eyes glint from anticipation, and they glint as well almost yellow from the flickering flamelight of your hall as he shakes your hand.

      Then suddenly, your face slams against the ornate table. Stunned, you take a moment to process what’s happening, and luckily the stranger lets you. Entire upper body bent over the table, hand you shook with twisted against your back, he is flush against you and pinning you down hard. Gently, the stranger removes your crown and sets it aside. “Wouldn’t want to cut yourself on its edges, love,” he hisses. You never realized until now how physically weak you were. And, in your attempt to struggle using your lower body instead, you manage only to grind your rear against his crotch and feel his hardened length in painful detail. “I– I– I am a king! Unhand me this instant!” You say, in a very desperate, un-kingly manner.

      “As a king,” the stranger says, voice unwavering in tone and steadiness, “It is your duty to learn of the details of every deal you will ever make, before you make them.” You feel the blood drain from your face and your limbs go slack with shock as things start to dawn on you. “Especially when dealing with the Unknown. Any consequence that comes after can only be your own fault.” He intentionally grinds against you, now, and color returns to you as the heat of embarrassment. You dare not move, choosing instead to listen. Even this, you realize with a sad sort of dread, is preferable to the vast loneliness you’d had before. He tsks. “I even threw in something about fae as a warning! Though, I’m a bit worse.”

      Despite yourself, you speak up. Your nature will always get the best of you, even at the worst of times. “Unfortunately, I’m still fascinated. What have I traded, and to whom?” The stranger laughs again, in the same way as before, alluring and otherworldly. “Your body and pleasure in exchange for stories of afar. He toys with your crown for a moment with the hand that isn’t pinning you. Then he sets it on the table and uses it to lean over you and look down, meeting your eyes. It was no trick of the light, earlier. His eyes are yellow and he now sports horns as a wild goat would have. “I do hope,” he says– as you can feel the intensity of his bodyheat, and it’s so much more contact than you’ve had in a lifetime but you don’t want it to stop, not at all– “That your reign isn’t considered a holy one. If it was, well. It won’t be for much longer.” He grins. As far as deals with strangers go, you’ve made worse.

So last year I wrote this piece for my Minimum Standards Practise Test. I got level 4 (The Highest) and was pretty proud of my result. Anyways here it is. The question asked was “If you could go back in time where would you go”

So, you want to know where I would go if I was given the opportunity to travel back in time? At first glance, I might’ve said something along the lines of; ‘To reconcile with my past self’ or 'To watch a large historical event take place’. Alas, this question requires a larger quantity of thought than that. The question refers to you as going back in time, not stating whether or not you could go back to where you began. If the offer was to go back and not return to the exact point of which you left I would not go anywhere. Let’s assume for the following that it also included the ability to go forward, how many times would I be able to move fluidly through time. If I get one chance, one moment to go back and glimpse at myself the smartest act would be to preserve my chance, so when I lay cold and full on my deathbed I can go back in time and watch my happiest moment play through my head one last time.

But! But, but, but, but! Say I was given more than one chance to fluidly fold through the veil of time, my choice would be very different. Sure I would go back and watch everything play out, I have a rule not to change any events, but after that what would I do? Now we come to another question, am I travelling alone? If Doctor Who is anything to go off then travelling by oneself might become empty and tiresome. Although if I was alone there is one thing I would do. I would test time and her laws myself. Travelling through time I would test theories, change minor events and see how much I can do before time snaps. Can two of the exact same beings exist at the same time? What happens if I kill something in the future and bring it to the past, what effect would that have on the future? Alas if I did do this I would be driven to complete my final question. What happens to me if I kill myself in the past?

It’s quite clear to see that sending me back in time alone is a very bad idea but there is one last and final question you must ask about the situation, can I choose where I come out? If I could fluidly travel back and to the point I left in time, if I could travel with a partner and if I could travel more than once then can I have the ability of teleportation ingrained into that? This question is vital as if you went back in time and found yourself, in a hostile place, inside a mountain as the ground level changes over time, your body contorted into a tree as one has existed where you stood or witch no currency and no way to travel the entire aspect of time travel is completely ruined. Unless you could somehow see the exact place that you are going to at that exact point in time so your body would still remain whole I would not travel at all.

Although I did say the previous question was my 'last question’ there are so many more that must be addressed before even attempting to go through time. A main one of which is how will you get there and in what form? On the topic of 'how’ I refer as to whether this is an ability, you can do with your mind or an ability you can do with a vehicle or enclosure. Inside an enclosed area would be the safest way to travel if you could bend around time. Bend around the objects that are there at that time and completely prevent the last problem from even existing. Although the form is very important too. Will I be able to touch things or simply spectate in a ghostly apparition. Not being able to touch things would ruin most of my plans.

Now that my queries have been addressed I would like to give you the answer you’ve been waiting for all this time. if i could go back in time, bend around the objects that are there, influence and touch the world, travel with others, be able to teleport, control where I go from my mind without an enclosure, travel to the moment I started at, do it more than once and see where I would appear directly before I do I would explore the wonders of the world. I would grow old with a friend, I would show artists how great they became, I would see the paths of history truly play out as they happened, I would be the mysterious stranger know throughout time for helping others. I would become a myth, a hero, a legend. I wouldn’t go back in time and change the person that I am, I would go back and help people. Because if my deepest desire is to go and help, I wouldn’t need to change a thing.

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Puedo ser muy comprensiva y paciente, pero cuando noto que no me toman en serio y que juegan con mis sentimientos, ahí es cuando toda mi paciencia y comprensión se van a la basura.

Euphoria.

Por más que mantengo mi mente ocupada con trabajo y actividades, me resulta inevitable no pensar en ti, lo cual me desespera, porque sé que es un gran síntoma de estar enamorada. No sé cómo pasó cariño, pero me tienes loca, me tienes suspirando; he caído profundamente de amor por ti.

Euphoria.

Hoy decido tranquilizarme, soltar todas las cargas que no me corresponden, y darle un descanso a mi mente.

Hoy decido quitar mi mala cara, calmar mi mal humor y agradecer por lo que tengo, y por lo que soy.

Hoy decido ponerme mi ropa favorita, hacerme el maquillaje más elaborado, y sentirme bonita.

Hoy decido ya no esperar nada de nadie, de dar a conocer mi posición y alejar de mi vida lo que no me hace bien.

Hoy decidido hacer lo que siempre olvido y que tengo que recordar una y otra vez: amarme y valorarme.

Euphoria.

Resulta agotador todo el tiempo buscar señales, intentar descifrar mensajes, o buscar respuestas a las miles de preguntas que revuelan en mi mente, a causa de estar en ese sube y baja en donde por un momento creo tenerlo todo, pero después ese “todo” se desvanece, y en su lugar queda la tristeza y el vacío.

Quiero obtener respuestas, que me lleven a sentirme segura y con claridad, que la tristeza, dudas e inseguridades se desvanescan, y que por primera vez pueda tener en mi corazón esa cálida sensación de que pertenezco a un lugar.

Euphoria.

Him

Sueles decirme que huya de ti, porque estar contigo significa arriesgar más que un corazón roto, y también significa renunciar a mi vida tranquila. También me dices que eres inestable, que puedes hacerme caer, y que por eso es mejor que tome mi distancia y no me atreva a llegar a tu alma, pero amor, a estas alturas el alejarme de ti no es una opción, porque mis sentimientos por ti son puros, son reales, y esto no se trata una historia de amor ficticia.

Se muy bien que en ti así como hay una hermosa luz que ilumina a la tierra, también hay oscuridad, pero ¿quién dijo que tenias que ser perfecto? De hecho, yo también tengo miles de defectos que con él tiempo vas a conocer, y que probablemente no te gustarán, pero de eso se trata el verdadero amor: quedarse, y seguir amando, aún cuando conocemos la parte “fea” del otro.

No pienses que no entiendo tu posición, no pienses en que no soy consciente de los riesgos y las consecuencias que se llevan a cabo, porque lo hago, y son pensamientos que me torturan cada día, pero aún así con ese gran peso y con el miedo que invade mi ser, he decidido quedarme y luchar por lo nuestro, incluso si eso significa ser consumida por el caos.

Así que por favor, quédate y lucha también conmigo, vayamos a nuestro ritmo sin prisa, sin pensar en lo que puede salir mal, porque sé que cuando llegue el momento adecuado acortaremos toda distancia para finalmente estar juntos, y hasta que eso suceda, yo esperaré por ti todo el tiempo que sea necesario.

Euphoria.

Y sí, sucedió: después de tantos años de idas y vueltas en nuestra historia, llegó el “adiós”, acompañado de un punto final, dando a entender que todo había terminado para siempre.

Adiós, y tú también cuídate mucho.

Euphoria.

Perdona si quizá soy muy romántica e intensa, perdona si en algún momento te asfixio con mi amor, pero es que mis raíces y mi personalidad hacen que ame con locura, y que de todo de mí a alguien que se adueña de mi corazón y toca mi alma, tal y como lo estás haciendo tú.

Euphoria.

“Aginod sa Aguinid Waterfalls, Cebu.”After four years I made another visit to Aguinid waterfalls tog“Aginod sa Aguinid Waterfalls, Cebu.”After four years I made another visit to Aguinid waterfalls tog

“Aginod sa Aguinid Waterfalls, Cebu.”

After four years I made another visit to Aguinid waterfalls together with Van. Hours down the road we arrived in the southern town of Cebu almost late in the morning.

I’ve heard a story that the named of the falls was based on the local term for slow, which is “aginod.” Or to walk around slowly but locals aren’t convinced as they can casually walk around the steep slopes even before the handholds and footholds were carved by the local government. Aguinid waterfall is a multi-tier waterfall. Going up was a climb of many thrills: wading in the flow or swimming where the water pools, stepping from rock to rock, climbing and pausing to take a shower. The water gushes over sparkling white slabs of limestone. The entire watercourse is blessed with cool, turquoise waters. The trail is covered with lush canopies, think of it as canyoneering’s mellow brother. It may not be as adrenaline-pumping, but it’s as rewarding.

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”Meeting Binangawan Falls in Camiguin Island.”  “Sure gyud ka?” my guide asked me. I lost count on h”Meeting Binangawan Falls in Camiguin Island.”  “Sure gyud ka?” my guide asked me. I lost count on h

”Meeting Binangawan Falls in Camiguin Island.”  

“Sure gyud ka?” my guide asked me. I lost count on how many times he asked me that same question as we had a rendezvous at a local bakeshop. For a minute, I knew he was skeptical but I kept my grit grounded. There was no turning back. As I steadfastly gaining balance at the back of his habal-habalI was amused listening to his countless stories of spells, enchantments and mythical creatures. He told me that the knowledge of this waterfall has been limited to a handful of locals for a long time. Hidden in an almost untouched and dense rainforest of Mt Timpoong with a trail that could send you falling into a deep ravine. Evidence of verdant grass, loose soil, fallen trees and blood sucking leeches wards off tourists from seeing her beauty. 

Difficult roads often leads to a beautiful destination. A rainbow forms when the sunlight hits the gushing ice-cold water. Thus, named after the Bisayan word for rainbows “bangaw.” I was out of words with the sight and sound of the surroundings. In the midst of a wilderness, I found myself sitting on a flat surfaced boulders, marveling at my well-earned reward. For a moment I felt I was like an ‘explorer’ in the wild.

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