#twinflame
لا أدري ما إذا كانت فكرة “ الحياة السابقة ” صحيحة أو خاطئة ، أو حتى محرمة أو أنها مجرد عزاء اختلقه أحد ليخفف عن ذاته فكرة “ الموت ” ، و لا رغبة لي بتحليل هذِه النقطة حالياً ، فما يعنيني منها الآن هو فكرة “ التكرار”
في آخر محادثة ، كانت بيني و بينه ، شعرت بصفعة وجهتها لي هذه الفكرة بالذات “ الكَرّة التِي تتبع أخرىٰ ”
كان حديثنا _و لمرة أستطيع أن أصفها بكل صدق : نادرة _ شفافا و ناصعا جدا و حادا كالبلّور ..
لم أستطيع خلاله أن ادافع عني ، و لا أن أهاجم أخطاءه . شعرت بالأسى فاليوم قد ثَبت أن السيف الذي ظننته دوماً يقف بجانبي كان مرفوعا في وجهي ، و أن المرآة التي حسبتها تعرفني كانت تعكس الكثير من الشكوك .
لوهلة ، شعرت بما قيل ذات تاريخ يعيد نفسه بذات الصدى “ حتى أنت يا بروتس”
ابتسمت.. طعم الخيبة أشد من أن تلفظ بعده حرفا ،و مدينة لشاشة الهاتف أنها “ بيننا ” فقد سترت ما تعرا من حزني و وجعي ..
انتهى حديثنا بلفظ “ لا فرق ” !
كانت هذه اللافرق تصف وجودي و غيابي ، صوتي و سكوتي ، مجيئي و ذهابي .. كلي و انعدامي !
أستطيع أن أجزم حينها انني سمعت صوت ارتطام اخر قطعة سليمة من قلبي بالقاع ! كان الصوت واضحاً جدا ، واضحا للحد الذي جعلني أشهق و أكتم نفسي بيدي !
“ هذا الفرق بيننا ،
لقد كنت أختارك دوماً ،
بعد كل شجار ، بعد كل فراق و كسور و انهايارات و نهايات عديدة سيئة : أختارك ،
وحين كنت أخير بيني و بينك ، أختارك ،
في الحين الذي لم تحاول ، ولو لمرة واحدة أن تختارني بدل شكوكك و سوء ظنك و عدم منحي فرصة للتبرير أو التحقق حتى !
أنت أيضاً ” إختَرتَك “ كما ” إخترتُك “ أنا !”
يا وجعي الشهي ..
“ رنة في بالي حينها فكرة ” الحياة السابقة" التي كنت كلما عُرضت على خيالي أردد “ سأختاره ” و لا أريد غيره “ .. و فَكّرت… لو أنني فعلا كنت بحياة سابقة ، و أنا الآن هنا ؛ فهو خطيئتي ! الخطيئةالتيلم أصححها بحيواتي السابقة ، و التي عاندت للبقاء عليها طويلاً ، في كل مرة و مرة .. ”
يا تفاح قلبي المحرم ..
بعد ذلك ،
كسرت لفظ “ الماذا بعد ” و “ ماذا أفعل ” و “ مالحل” دون أن أفكر مرتين .. و الآن أقول له :
“ حِينَ تَعُودُ - ذَاتَ يَومٍ - مِن سُوءِ ظَنِّك َ وَ شَكِّك ْ .. لَنْ تَجِدَ أَحَدًا يَنْتَظِرُك َ عِنْدَ الثَّلاثِ نِقَاطٍ و َ عَلاَمَةِ التَّعَجُبِ …! فَأَناَ اليَوْمَ ياَ حَبِيبِي أُحْرِقُ الكِتَابَ وَ أَرْسُمُ بِرَمَادِه عَلَى جَبِينِي عَلاَمَة ༄ لِكُلِ رُوحٍ لِي تَأتِي مِنْ بَعدِي : إِذاَ مَا عُدتِ إِلٰى هُنَا ثَانيَةً فلْيَكُن خَيارُكِ ” دوماً “ مَن ْ يَحْمِل العَلاَمَة
” ذاتك♡︎“ ”
For some reason that I don’t know right now I don’t want to let you go… My heart still waits for you…
My thoughts are your thoughts.
Spirituality ain’t all about being kumbaya and everything is love and rainbows and unicorns and all that other shit. And you really gotta be careful of leaders or masters who just tell you what you want to hear without telling you that there is continuous fucking W O R K to be done in order for you to reach enlightenment or nirvana
The higher you raise your vibration and come to realizations or breakthroughs about a lot of things especially your childhood, the more the demons are gonna rear their ugly heads.
I’ll be brutally honest, the only thing that’s keeping me from biting my mom’s head off (mind you, not out of hatred) is knowing that soon I’ll be out of this house. I’ll be even more honest and say that when her and my sister left for Texas and my dad and I stayed behind, the energy in the house completely lifted. The negative energy in the house stems from them two. Because they can’t smell their own shit and project it onto everyone else. Up until now, I felt as though I couldn’t achieve anything because my mom is the least encouraging person you could have as a parent; and I had to work and learn to not take that shit personally.
And although, my dad and I aren’t as close as we were when I was small; I was happy that it was just me and him here. I was happy because I was genuinely comfortable. Because I had been able to forgive him for not meeting my unrealistic expectations + some expectations that weren’t even mine. I could do my witchcraft and new moon rituals in absolute peace, out in the open, not anxious about him seeing me because I get the feeling that he knows what I’m about (my gifts trickle from his side anyway lol) and it’s possible it reminds him of home (garifuna;Honduras). All that he’s had to repress. All that he wanted to expose me to but couldn’t. After they came back, even more tower moments hit me. I didnt miss them not one bit. I was glad they made it home alive but…I just did not miss their presence. Our communication was better with the distance. The other was feeling my mom and I’s energy toward each other shift tremendously. Because I can see now the propaganda she uses to pit me against my dad or force me on him, making it seem as though everything in her life + my life is his fault. I stopped trying to please her, to make her happy because there’s nothing in this world that I could do to make that possible if she can’t even satisfy herself. I have to CONSTANTLY strengthen myself to forgive her for never believing in me; putting me down; for not allowing me to be comfortable/vulnerable with her enough to want to share my fears/thoughts/desires/goals/dreams with her because I know now that I don’t need anyone to do that for me when I can provide that myself for myself . I believe in me. My spirit guides believe in me.
I forgive myself for being selfish. Better yet, I forgive myself for calling me selfish. This isn’t selfishness. I am only loyal to myself. I am only responsible for myself and my own happiness and my own reality and my own world.
I just had to write that out so I can release this and continue to move forward. My emperor is coming home.
My Dear Lighthouse
When the cold world has me caught in it’s storm with no clear sight as to where I’m going;
When the sea is raging and coming at me thrashing,
I look out through the dim radiance the earth allows, in search of refuge. I seek you out my dear lighthouse, you who’s wonderous glare I can always count on to lead me safe and sound back to shore.
Knowing that once I’ve found you, I’ll be on my way out of the dark and out of the battered sea.
My dear lighthouse, don’t ever stop guiding me home, don’t ever stop shining for me.
– EllaMoon
Halcyon
As I rested my head on his chest, the room a serene silent, with just the sound of his beautiful heart beat its perfect song against me… I felt deeply grateful for my most treasured blessing who’s arms I was wrapped in.
In that halcyon moment, I could feel us meld; Our existence as sole entities vanished and our souls became one with the other. Into a heightened consciousness I drifted, nevermore mindful that together we were stronger, more powerful and that nothing could break the abiding soul bond between us.
In that moment,
We were one.
-EllaMoon
Knowing
“ I often think there’s no way I could love you more than I do right now. Yet, I can always count on the fact that I will tomorrow.”
-EllaMoon
Angel,
“I did not forsee you. You came into my life like a sudden flame, and set me ablaze;
Awaking parts of me I didn’t even know existed and I’m a better person for it.
My love for you has truly been the most amazing revelation.
What can I say?
…You’re my Miracle”
- EllaMoon
“It’s crazy how a kiss can be so magnificent… earth shattering, but I have experienced a kiss that cosmic, through you. You are otherworldly.”
-EllaMoon