sexuallymonsterous:

How to Recognize Abuse

**Emotional Abuse of Men

**Sexual Assault of Men and Boys

**Men Can Be Victims of Abuse, Too

**Domestic Violence Against Men - Know the Signs

**Information for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse

**Help for Battered Men

**Battered Men, Battered Husbands

**For Male Survivors of Rape and Sexual Abuse

**Male Survivors of Incest and Sexual Child Abuse

**Help for Men Who Are Being Abused

Help Lines (Phone and Text Chat)

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (or 1-800-787-3224 for TTY)

National Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-237-8255

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men: 1-888-743-5754 (US and Canada)

Hopeline Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-784-2433

National Hotline for Victims of Crimes: 1-855-484-2846

National Human Trafficking Hotline: 1-888-373-7888

Polaris Human Trafficking Text Line: Text “BEFREE” to 233733

**1in6/RAINN Chat for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Support Groups

**1in6 Support Groups

Male Survivor Support Groups

Pandora’s Aquarium - Chat (includes chats specifically for men)

Pandora’s Aquarium - Forums (includes forums specifically for men)

How to Find a Shelter

Domestic Shelters Search (shelter locator with filters to find shelters specifically for male survivors)

SAFE (located in Austin, TX, but states they can help people find resources/shelters in their area)

How to Find a Therapist

**Male Survivor Therapist Directory

Mental Health Services Locator

Resources for and About the Abuse of Kids/Teens

Love is Respect Hotline: 1-866-331-9474 (Hotline for teens)

Darkness to Light Helpline (Sexual Abuse): 1-866-367-5444

Darkness to Light Text Line: Text “LIGHT” to 741741

ChildHelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453

Children of the Night Hotline (Children in Prostitution): 1-800-551-1300

National Runaway Safeline: 1-800-786-2929

Covenant House Nineline (Homeless Youth): 1-800-999-9999

Stop it Now Hotline: 1-888-773-2362 (for adults concerned about the welfare of a child)

Jennifer Ann’s Group (for teens experiencing dating violence)

Other Resource Lists 

(While I tried to include the most helpful resources I could here (i.e., resources that lend themselves to one-on-one communication, individual reading, etc.), there are plenty of other great resources, including regional resources, listed in these links. Some of the resources are specific to men and others aren’t, but they are all helpful for male survivors.)

**Male Survivor (regional, international, and online resources)

**Husband Battering: Men and Domestic Violence

**Help for Battered Men: Online Resources

**Help for Battered Men: National and International Resources

**Help for Guys: Help for Victims (some resources for men, many general resources)

squidsticks:

deanoru:

I’m so tired of every show that takes place in the past (wild west, medieval, pirates etc) ALWAYS having so much sexual violence towards women like writers can cry “oh it’s realism” all you want but it’s very transparent how realism only applies when you want to hurt women on screen. If we’re talking staying realistic, why doesn’t everyone have brown teeth? Or bad skin? Or dying of dysentery? Just admit y'all want an excuse to brutalize women on screen lol

This pisses me off so much. A lot of the time if you mention realism would also involve women having unshaved legs or pits, or bushy eyebrows, or syphilis, the answer is often “well that’s gross, no one wants to read about/see that” and like…. If you think that women being ugly is grotesque, but brutal depictions of rape aren’t, then I don’t really know what to say to you other than stay the fuck away from me.

creepygross creepygross GET PETYR AND HIS MOLESTY VIBES AWAY FROM SANSA

this is just no better

maybe even worse??

yes worse

ruckawriter:(I’ve been asked to make my answer rebloggable. Hopefully this will do that.) I’ve bee

ruckawriter:

(I’ve been asked to make my answer rebloggable. Hopefully this will do that.)

I’ve been holding off on answering this for a number of reasons. The first was I wanted to give it due thought. The second was that I’m pretty sure I’ll end up offending someone, somewhere, and despite what may be perceived as a reputation for not caring about that kind of thing, I actually do, quite a bit. 

And third, it was a busy, busy week.

I’m not entirely up-to-speed on all the current video game releases and news, but I’m assuming you’re referring to the new Tomb Raider game that Square Enix is releasing, made by Crystal Dynamics. I’m also not up-to-speed on everything that’s been said about it, so my information is based more on heresay than anything else, but my understanding is that there’s certainly an active threat of sexual assault against Lara in the new game, though whether or not she is raped, I don’t know.

In the interests of full disclosure, I played almost all the Eidos Tomb Raider games, and I played and liked the first of the Crystal Dynamics ones. I haven’t played the second.

So, with all this in mind…

Fiction - regardless of its form, and video game narrative, I think we all agree, is fiction - at its best, reflects truths about reality. Fiction educates, even if it does so obliquely, or behind the cover of story. Fiction, ideally, asks questions that provoke thought and attempts to answer those questions posed.

Rape is a reality. Ignoring it empowers it. Diminishing it empowers it. Fetishizing it empowers it. Ignorance of it empowers it, and we just finished an election season here in the U.S. where that ignorance was on spectacular, non-ironic, display.

So, as if all the above wasn’t clear, I am very much speaking from my own opinion. Do I think rape has a “place” in fiction? Absolutely, yes. It’s a very specific place, I feel. It’s a place that must illuminate it as the crime against body and soul that it is. It’s a place where its weight and horror must be acknowledged, never diminished. It’s a place where it must be recognized as the evil it is. 

Yes, certainly, there are characters where being a rape survivor is a crucial element of who they are. For some, it is even their core motivation. In the right hands, written with the proper thought and care and - in my opinion, and most crucially - honesty, yes, there is a place.

But as a short-hand for “justifying” why a character - specifically a female character - is who she is, or does what she does? I hate it. I’m inherently very suspicious of it, to the point of active hostility. I am leery of the prurient interest, and in the case of Lara specifically, I cannot escape feeling that is hard at work here. I read a quote where one of the developers, I believe, claimed that putting Lara in this position, under this threat, would make the player “want to protect her.” I found that both condescending and remarkably ignorant. Having not played the game, I can’t speak with any authority on it, but I find it hard to believe that was their motive to begin with.

I am very, very tired of rape being used as an explanation for why a woman is “strong.” As if an explanation is required. I find that insulting as hell, frankly. And I’m a guy.

Long answer is long. Getting longer.

Characters - good characters - are never any one thing. A rape survivor should never be defined by the crime committed against him or her. But the nature of the crime is so vile, in my opinion, that incorporating it into any character demands it be given the full weight and consideration it deserves. Anything less, as I said at the start, diminishes the crime. That’s irresponsible writing, at the very least, and irresponsible writing is, to me, bad writing.

There’s more to say, but I’ve said enough for now, I think.

Hope this answers the question. 


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fictioninchains:jayneausten:lioar:hookersorcake:quiyst:beefranck:transgalacticwanderer:

fictioninchains:

jayneausten:

lioar:

hookersorcake:

quiyst:

beefranck:

transgalacticwanderer:

electricalivia:

sageruto:

rabbitsnwolves:

Well, he was sorta asking for it, dressing in such flammable clothing.

if he didnt want to get set on fire, he should have stayed indoors

He was probably drinking that night, alcohol makes you susceptible to fire.

If it’s a legitimate inferno, the male body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

God I love you, Internet.

Why didn’t he stop, drop, and roll? He should have stopped, dropped, and rolled. He must have secretly wanted it.

If you read the article, eyewitnesses said the man had purchased a lighter earlier that same day. Dude probably set himself on fire and lied about it. Typical.

He should have relaxed and enjoyed it. After all it was just a bit of kindling cuddling

We need to start educating people about wearing fire-safe clothing and carrying extinguishers with them at all times. For their own safety.

Everytime i see this, the comments keep getting better


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finalfee:sketchavolie:So at my freshman orientation for college, we had a presentation on sexual

finalfee:

sketchavolie:

So at my freshman orientation for college, we had a presentation on sexual assault. The lady who spoke was fantastic, and this was her opening PowerPoint slide. I wish I had gotten the rest of it.

See every time people talk about sexual assault it’s always about how girls can prevent it happening to them like why isn’t it usually taught like this


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afishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benneafishlearningpoetry:“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Benne

afishlearningpoetry:

“Practical Magic” Is 20 Years Old And Just As Relevant As Ever by Alanna Bennett (full article).

image

[#tw abuse #tw domestic violence #tw sexual assault]

“The image of a woman suffering because of a man’s violence is, unfortunately, a timeless one. Practical Magic’s 19th birthday took place only two weeks after the Harvey Weinstein stories broke, and just a day after #MeToo rose to mainstream prominence. It’s relevant on its 20th birthday, too, with Brett Kavanaugh recently sworn onto the Supreme Court. The anniversary falls so shortly after women all over the country watched Christine Blasey Ford testify in front of Congress, already so sure of her own annihilation, forced to relive her trauma decades after the fact in an act of public violence. A community rose up for Blasey Ford around her testimony. That testimony and the conversation around it were a stark real-world reminder that we all live next to survivors of abuse every day, that the process of healing is a rough road, and that our moments of trauma still live in us, intruders in our lives.”

Bonus: Nicole and Sandra reunite at the 2018 Oscars:

image
image

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thepowerofblackwomen:

“When I raise my hand, I am aware of all the women who are still in silence.” -Viola Davis during the Women’s March 2018

feministism: SEXUAL ABUSE IS WRONG ON EVERYONE.

feministism:

SEXUAL ABUSE IS WRONG ON EVERYONE.


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aliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - Highaliasjunk: lovefeedsme: midnight-sun-rising: tokomon: Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? - High

aliasjunk:

lovefeedsme:

midnight-sun-rising:

tokomon:

Did you bring any sweets for me, Uncle? 

- Highway (2014) // dir. Imtiaz Ali

Powerful

I’ve learned personally it’s usually family too…but you should still teach your children to be cautious of strangers too.

i had a friend once who told me that her father use to say, “Trust no man. Not even me.”


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exaltedreviewaverse:ohmymckirk:so-um-yeah:aloistrancyhive:breathe-squeeze-follow-through:2exaltedreviewaverse:ohmymckirk:so-um-yeah:aloistrancyhive:breathe-squeeze-follow-through:2exaltedreviewaverse:ohmymckirk:so-um-yeah:aloistrancyhive:breathe-squeeze-follow-through:2exaltedreviewaverse:ohmymckirk:so-um-yeah:aloistrancyhive:breathe-squeeze-follow-through:2exaltedreviewaverse:ohmymckirk:so-um-yeah:aloistrancyhive:breathe-squeeze-follow-through:2

exaltedreviewaverse:

ohmymckirk:

so-um-yeah:

aloistrancyhive:

breathe-squeeze-follow-through:

26 Male Survivors Of Sexual Assault Quoting The People Who Attacked Them

http://www.buzzfeed.com/spenceralthouse/male-survivors-of-sexual-assault-quoting-the-people-who-a

This needs more notes.

no one seems to care if they are guys 

reminder that rape and sexual abuse happens to everyone, not just girls

I think the disturbing part is how very similar the threats are.


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the-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. Tothe-fault-in-our-youtubers:It’s On Us:  To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault. To

the-fault-in-our-youtubers:

It’s On Us: 

ToRECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault.

ToIDENTIFY situations in which sexual assault may occur.

ToINTERVENE in situations where consent has not or cannot be given.

ToCREATE an environment in which sexual assault is unacceptable and survivors are supported.

It’s On Us

Not Alone


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Just begun reading “The Dark Wife.”

It’sintense in just the way I like, and very painful in a lot of places. The descriptive, atmospheric prose is enviable.

And that’s not getting onto the subject of lady Hades first kissing Persephone’s hand.

Update: needed fully half an hour to go make a cup of tea and stare at the wall after reading that scene.

vampireapologist:

violetsandshrikes:

The Red Dress Warriors Start Up fund is a native woman with experience looking for funding in order to help other native woman defend themselves and identify potentially dangerous situations due to the high risk rate of violence they face. They’re not even halfway to their goal since February - check it out here and support native woman protecting themselves!

I am seeking help to fund start up costs of this nonprofit, in order to help with the MMIW epidemic. I need to file a 501©(3) with the IRS, a name reservation fee, a Colorado Secretary of State, Business Division Charge, and miscellaneous legal fees. I am asking for help to start this dream of mine to help save our women and children and help to reverse the legacy of trauma and death.

Come on y’all! I know we can get this funded! ❤️

builttobulk:fitzefitcher:daggerpen:monicalewinsky1996: Trigger warning: Breakfast Holy shit.builttobulk:fitzefitcher:daggerpen:monicalewinsky1996: Trigger warning: Breakfast Holy shit.builttobulk:fitzefitcher:daggerpen:monicalewinsky1996: Trigger warning: Breakfast Holy shit.builttobulk:fitzefitcher:daggerpen:monicalewinsky1996: Trigger warning: Breakfast Holy shit.builttobulk:fitzefitcher:daggerpen:monicalewinsky1996: Trigger warning: Breakfast Holy shit.

builttobulk:

fitzefitcher:

daggerpen:

monicalewinsky1996:

Trigger warning: Breakfast

Holyshit.

reasons why we don’t make fun of seemingly odd triggers

I sat here staring at that last panel for a solid minute, reading then reading again. This is just something else.


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nicolereallyhot:

This right here is why I love Jessica! She’s always saying what I think. I love GOT, I watch since forever and I am very disappointed with where it’s going :’(

revolutionarykoolaid: thetrippytrip:The federal lawsuit against Harris County alleges: “When one orevolutionarykoolaid: thetrippytrip:The federal lawsuit against Harris County alleges: “When one orevolutionarykoolaid: thetrippytrip:The federal lawsuit against Harris County alleges: “When one orevolutionarykoolaid: thetrippytrip:The federal lawsuit against Harris County alleges: “When one orevolutionarykoolaid: thetrippytrip:The federal lawsuit against Harris County alleges: “When one o

revolutionarykoolaid:

thetrippytrip:

The federal lawsuit against Harris County alleges: “When one of the Deputies tried to insert her fingers into Ms Corley’s vagina, Ms Corley protested. At that point, the Deputies forcibly threw Ms Corley to the ground, while she was still handcuffed, pinned her down with her legs spread apart, threatened to break her legs and without consent penetrated her vagina in a purported search for marijuana.”

Corley was arrested and charged with possession of 0.02 ounces of marijuana and resisting arrest; the charges were dropped by the Harris County district attorney’s office.

source

Charnesia Corley is suing these rapists in uniforms. Hopefully these beasts will be punished. 

This incident is a living proof that America can’t lecture the world on human rights.

TW: sexual assault


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httpscolonslashslash:

whatever-is-pxre:

When I was 13 years old and curious about sex and love, I asked my mom if she had had sex before marrying my father (of whom she is still married to, and has been since before I was born). She said that that wasn’t really a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. I said ‘sure it is, you’ve either had sex before him, or you haven’t’. She brought me onto the couch and sat me down and told me about the boy she liked when she was young and how one night she snuck into his house while his parents were gone and they were kissing and he said they should have sex and she said that she wanted to save sex for marriage and he laughed and basically took all her clothes off and he raped her and as my mom was telling the story she cried and this was the second time I had ever seen my mom cry. She was 12 when it happened.

In grade 8 I got a call from my friend in the middle of the night and she was drunk in the park crying and told me that she went out that night with some other friends and they drank a little and her guy “friend” starting flirting and yes she laughed at first but then he tried to pull her shirt over her head and she pulled away and he ripped her shirt and it was her favourite shirt and then he pushed her to her knees and HIS BEST FRIEND HELD HER JAW OPEN WHILE HE FACE FUCKED HER. And so I went to the park and picked her up and took her home and slept in her bed with her except we didn’t sleep because she just cried and her mouth bled and this was four years ago but I still have to be the one to bring her items to the till it the cashier is a man, and she still has anxiety attacks and she’ll get a rash all over her body and I just want to kill those boys but instead they are still walking around. And I’m in the bathroom with her, dabbing at her skin with a warm cloth until it returns to its regular colour.

And in grade 9 one of my closest friends was kinda seeing this boy and so they hung out one night and then she said that she really had to be getting back home and he said that she wasn’t going anywhere until she gave him what he wanted and he parked the car and took off her clothes and she said no and he ignored her and so she laid in the backseat totally limp and just cried and it wasn’t even sex, he just masterbated by using her body instead of his hand and she came to school the next day with vodka in her water bottle and she drank all day and I had to fight her to get the alcohol away from her and she just cried and threw up and I skipped class while I held her hair back and that same boy texted me a month later, asking if I ever wanted to hangout sometime.

And in that same year my very best friend who has never even kissed a boy, confessed to me that when she was 9 years old, her 12 year old cousin made her give him a hand job and he told her that was what cousins do and he gave her a chocolate bar afterwards and she told me that he probably doesn’t even remember it but that it’s something that she’ll never have the luxury of forgetting.

And in grade 10 I knew a girl who invited her best friend over to watch Disney movies and then he started to put his hands down her pants and she said no but she is 130lbs and he is 220lbs and he called her a tease while she tried to fight him but he used one hand to hold her down, and the other to put inside of her and i was the one to push her inside of a classroom and stand in front of her while calling the police when he showed up at our school looking for her and she was so damn scared.

And a few months later I skipped class and was in the car with a guy who i had had unprotected sex with in the past while under the influence of cocaine but this time I was sober and I insisted we use a condom but he told me he couldn’t feel anything while the condom was on so he ripped it off and I said I refused to have unprotected sex again and so he just grabbed me and forced himself into my mouth and I was crying and he pulled me onto him and I just came saying “stop” over and over like a broken record but he must’ve heard something different because he went until he came and I just sat naked in the backseat while he drove me back to the school and said “we should do this again sometime”. And I had five showers that night and I scratched at my skin so hard to try and rip his fingerprints off of me, I still have the scars.

And I found out soon afterwards that that same guy had raped a classmate of mine, 5 months earlier and she told me about how he brought her McDonald’s first, and how he said they could take things slow and she told me about how he didn’t listen to her either. And he goes to our school and so after she told me about her incident and I told her about mine, we decided to report it to the police and the trial is currently still going on and he told people about it, except in his version we are just “asking for attention” and all his friends talk about how bad they feel for him. As if HE is the one that still wakes up screaming. As if HE felt like his skin no longer was beautiful, no longer belonged to him.
And I held her in my arms as she bawled after giving the police her statement. And she did the same for me.

And I met a woman a year ago in a paint store and she had a service dog and I asked what the dog was for and it turns out that she had been so brutally raped and abused in her life, that the dog is literally trained to keep men away from her.

And I’m so FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS WORLD WE ARE LIVING IN. How many rape victims eyes have I already looked into? How many more will I? And how many more friends will I hold while they shake? Because I don’t know how many more I can take. And who the fuck still has the nerve to make rape jokes? And… Something just has to change. Please, someone just start being that change.

-16 year old girl

Did I reblog this already I dont care

tsugumihalberd: iwilleatyourenglish: sassdowflame:yassmines:aziz4m:fuckwhoyoucamewith: You’re

tsugumihalberd:

iwilleatyourenglish:

sassdowflame:

yassmines:

aziz4m:

fuckwhoyoucamewith:

You’re doing amazing sweetie

yasssss queeenn

kill them baby!

I think she just made herself my new best friend

these comments are so fucking inappropriate and honestly trivialize a tragic situation.

this girl was sold by her parents into what is sexual slavery dressed up as a marriage, so she tried to kill her husband to escape his abuse, but accidentally poisoned 27 people instead. 17 people died, with at least one victim being a child. Bibi has openly expressed deep regret over having accidentally killed innocent people.

she was sold by her parents, the very people meant to protect her, and made into a sex slave. in her desperation, she made a mistake that cost innocent people their lives. she was then arrested by a legal system that could have prevented allof this by protecting women from sexual slavery in the first place, but won’t. 

she will likely be abused in prison and sentenced to death.

she’s not “queen” or your “new best friend.” she’s a young woman who has been subjected to horrors and, in an effort to fight back, accidentally committed one, a fact that is likely destroying her.

She got 15 life sentences


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democracynow:Meet Tarana Burke, Activist Who Started “Me Too” Campaign to Ignite Conversation on S

democracynow:

Meet Tarana Burke, Activist Who Started “Me Too” Campaign to Ignite Conversation on Sexual Assault

ActivistTarana Burke says she started the “Me Too” campaign as a grassroots movement about a decade ago to aid sexual assault survivors in underprivileged communities, where rape crisis centers and sexual assault workers weren’t going. We spoke with her in the Democracy Now! studio on Tuesday:

“For every R. Kelly or Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein, there’s, you know, the owner of the grocery store, the coach, the teacher, the neighbor, who are doing the same things. But we don’t pay attention until it’s a big name. And we don’t pay attention ‘til it’s a big celebrity. But this work is ongoing, because this is pervasive.”

Watch the full interview here. 


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tattoos are important to me because between my emotionally abusive parents and my sexually / emotionally abusive ex and generally traumatic adolescence and young adulthood i’ve never experienced autonomy over my body as an adult.

i was forcibly hospitalized twice; the second time was court-ordered and month-long. i spent three years on court-ordered sedatives, shuttled between therapy, doctor’s appointments, and more therapy. i was physically forced to do things and / or restrained from stopping my ex from doing things to me. i was gaslit and manipulated and sexually abused.

when i say i’ve never experienced autonomy over my body, it’s very literal.
i disappeared. for a long time. i’m still coping with the trauma of that. i’m still trying to handle the effects it has on my life.

but the thing that helps a little bit, the thing that helps me feel like my body belongs to me, like i’m myself, is creating this comic book skin full of things i love and. it makes me feel more comfortable in myself; more like i’m mine.

whatever narratives you wanna construct, this will always belong to me. this will always be mine. this is not something that they can take away again.  this is not something you can take away. this isn’t your story; it’s mine.

a thing that’s been consistent with (my) abuse/assault/????? is not being sure whether anything is my idea or if I was guided/directed towards it for someone else’s purposes. I was sitting in the library scrolling through someone’s couples pictures and relationship posts and after I read one about enthusiasm for blowjobs I suddenly wasn’t sure whether any of the things that led up to being sexual were my things or his. like, I know that he repeatedly told me I didn’t have to do any of it; he’s stopped me in the middle of a blowjob multiple times so we could have a conversation about whether I wanted to finish, but seeing predatory ex every day and being intentionally pushed towards making sexual “progress” every day makes it hard sometimes to see whether any idea is really mine. jon would never push me, but he says stuff that predatory ex has said–with a different intent–and my brain can often only hear the echo of predatory intent instead of the loving consensual one.

I know this is unfair. he hasn’t earned this. but I’ll feel predatory ex instead of him, sometimes, and it’s terrifying when it feels like I can’t even trust my perception.

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