#relationships

when your crush finally start noticing you it’s like harry potter and remus lupin’s relationship. remus lupin is me bc i have known my crush and mostly every detail of his life and what tragic and great things happened to them and harry potter is my crush bc they notice you when you do something big like save their life or stop a dementor from sucking you soul. im just saying

But I feel like all these dates are meaningless… Being cheated on really fucks up the ability to feel attractive, I just keep feeling like people are only interested because I have that whole desperate vibe going… and then as soon as they realise what a nut case I am they don’t want me because I’m too hard work :/ 
I don’t feel beautiful or like I’m something to be valued.. I just feel horrible :/ 

(I tried to put the word “politely” in italics but it wouldn’t let me. Damn title games here on Tumblr I guess.)

(Also, I should probably never start a blog with brackets, eh?)

I’m a real weirdo, you know that right? All this dating, and I’m actually happier on my own. It’s hard to explain that to someone. Imagine being the girl who gets up after sex and leaves. (Not that I’ve had sex lately. I have a powerful ingrown hair right now that’s taken over my underwear region. I’ve named him “Kuato.”) Anyways, what happens when people learn all about your grossness, and still want to be with you? And then you need to drop the biggest bomb of all.

I don’t want a relationship.

It’s easy to assume that every woman is in search of “the one.” I am a new form of weirdo who enjoys my life alone. I’m in the comfort zone with myself. I am not in search of my soulmate. But I am in search of the perfect baked wing. (I need to cut back on my deep fried foods.)

I live by myself, and I facking love it. If you’ve never lived alone, you gotta try it. I’m allowed to live however I want. It’s amazing. I recently pushed all my couches back against my walls and permanently have my yoga mat in front of my TV so I can meditate to Rogers Galaxy Radio. (The adult pop channel, obvi.) I keep garbage in the fridge so it doesn’t stink up my apartment prior to garbage day. I have framed posters of both Kesha and Taylor Swift on my walls. I think I’m up to 67 Eco-bags, all of which are randomly hanging on every doorknob in my apartment. My vacuum is barely bigger than my vibrator. I flush my toilet once every three times I use it. Who wants me now?

I’ve had a few very special, awesome relationships in my life. How those guys ever put up with me is a wonder. (I do keep a good supply of beer in the fridge.) But at this point in my life, where my #1 goal is working on my career in comedy and writing, I can’t rock the boat with the distraction of love. It’s why I chose Tinder over EHarmony.

I remember seeing India Arie in concert Riverside, California in 2006. In between Heart of the MatterandWings of Forgiveness, she said, “Love is the blessing. But relationships are the work.” (And then tears were shed by me and hundreds of black women.) I tend to agree with India. Even when I’m in a super healthy relationship, I always worry about things that I shouldn’t. I can’t help it. With infidelity all around you, it’s mystical sometimes to believe that you’ve somehow dodged it. Being single, I’m totally carefree. It’s liberating. So when I enter into a relationship, I have to like that person more than I like being single. Which is a LOT. Plain and simple. If I see any signs of needy behaviour from someone, I run faster than any trainer could ever encourage. If I make out with you, instead of texting me and immediately wanting to know,

“Where this is going?”

I would rather a text like,

“Hey, just passed a guy with a solid jew fro and it reminded me of your bing bang.”

K, I’m obviously not speaking for all women here, but that’s what I would rather.

And just because we’re “single” doesn’t mean we’re “alone.” Far from it. These days, it’s almost impossible to feel alone. Even if you’re at home by yourself, is it possible to actually feel “lonely?” You got Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder, Snapchat, Netflix… wow. There’s a lot to do when you’re “alone.” If you’re like me, you’ll “take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.”* If I have a moment where I truly feel alone, I love it. I do meditate for real. You probably don’t expect that from a girl who drinks four days a week. (K, sometimes five.) But I need it. It’s so peaceful. (Until somebody blares the car horn out your window. Also, it’s a good reminder I need to clean underneath my couches more often.)

So this is the creepy little life I’ve made for myself. Though it’s far from perfect, I love it. I have a shitload of great friends who never make me “alone.” And yes, I may go out with you, bond about life, kiss you… but at the end of the day… I gotta be on my own. It’s a dorky term, and I would like to come up with a new one, but I guess I really am a “free spirit.”

Clooney’s out. I’m still in.

xoxo, (but NO commitment please)

walkinsauce 

*That’s a line from my favourite Billy Joel song, Vienna! Hence why the phone reference is a little dated. As an update, I recommend just putting your phone on airplane mode. That way you can still listen to your Billy Joel collection.

Okay, I know I was Slacker Magoo last week, and I apologize for that. I’d love to tell you I was SO busy with JFL42 that I didn’t have ANY time to write a blog, but I’ll be honest- I had time. I just used it for watching The Good Wife on Netflix, and introducing my friend Laura to Sex and the City. (Can you believe she’s 30 and has NEVER seen an episode? That’s NOT right. Somebody had to do something.) 

But this week I’m back, in full affect/effect. You pick.  Where we last left off, I was making out with a dude that is fresh off the relationship boat. And as you can imagine, he’s currently re-learning how to date. Obvi, I want to do the best I can to help him, as well as anyone else who’s going through the same thing. I know a break-up with someone after ten years can seem tragic at first, but you really need to be open minded about the giant space of life that sits between the present and death. (Sorry I brought up death.) I’ve already defied a Ouija board from 1993 by not getting married at 23, like it told me I would. (To somebody whose name starts with an “R,” apparently. I’m pretty sure it was just my friends pushing the Ouija board towards the R because I had a crush on a guy named Randy. Very kind of them, but it gave me false hope for years. Thanks a lot, “friends.”)

So here I am, texting with this 39-year-old man who never expected to be single again. In a weird way, it’s telling a lot about his previous relationship. It’s also awkward for me, because he keeps trying to call me, and I don’t like to talk on the phone. He needs to know people don’t talk on the phone anymore. We’re all texts. I’m sorry, but 78% of my day I’m around people. I refuse to talk on the phone in front of friends. Or people in general. I don’t even like to pick up the phone at Starbucks. I feel bad for those people too. (Not that texting is any more polite, but I burp in public. Manners aren’t my forte. I’m trying, people.) I’ll text you the second I decline your call though. That’s nice, right?

His first confession is the funniest.

“I have a confession to make. I looked you up on the Internet. I tried to resist… i kinda feel dirty that i looked u up… feels strange… it’s like oh hey guys here’s the girl I met last night….”

I really like his use of the dot dot dots… It’s the preferred form of most of my tweets.

“Haha! That’s totally normal, dude. Don’t feel creepy. Everybody does that in 2014, even if they don’t admit it. Even people interested in somebody who’s not in the entertainment business. I was serving these two ladies the other day and I heard one say to the other, “You have to look him up on LinkedIn. He’s the real deal.”

Then I profusely apologized for never updating my YouTube page. I just get scared to go on there, cuz that’s where the real Internet haters live. Blog World seems a little safer, cuz you have read thousands of words to quote something you hate. I don’t think those “commenters” have the patience or brain power for that. (But really, I should update my YouTube page.)

So once we get over this hump that it’s okay to Google someone after you meet them, (and I am quite Googleable. To a fault. He probably thinks he will never see my tits and/or bush.*)

Now there’s my next order of business. He keeps calling me “baby.” I know he’s not trying to offend me, but this feels weird to me. I don’t mean to channel that Madison Avenue one hit wonder, “Don’t Call Me Baby.” (Remember that jam? It’s on Platinum Hits 2000.) I hope he’s not trying to possess me already. We’ve only just met. I think maybe he’s just on auto-pilot from his last relationship. My instincts tell me that he probably always called his ex “baby,” and now he’s accidentally calling me the same thing. Well, this gets a full blown “TOO SOON.” I don’t feel comfortable being called “Baby.” I’m not Francis Houseman.

I totally understand the roll over habits from your last relationship. I have a confession make. I have given not one, but TWO ex-boyfriends the nick name “Cute & Dreamy.” I’m not proud of this, but to be fair, they were BOTH very cute and very dreamy. I clearly remember the second boyfriend calling it out, too. He asked if I used this name for another boyfriend, and I denied it at the time. Alas, he was right. I recycled this exact nickname. I’M SORRY! (But to be fair, I’m probably the only person in the world to call a man this. It should be tolerable to use it twice if such a gentleman is willing to respond to it.)

“Baby” is starting to look pretty good, eh?

And now on to my third, and final order of business, into the man fresh off the boat. And this one honestly made me laugh my head off. He wished me good luck for a show, then I wrote back,

“Thanks!” With this emoji….

(It’s my favourite emoji. I don’t know why, but I use it all the time.)

Then he wrote back,

“Hmmmm… which face is that one? I don’t have that one on my phone.”

Also, at this point my phone was on the charger in my room, and I was on my old man Lazy-Boy recliner writing. Let it be known, that when I write, my phone MUST be far away from me, as I’m easily distracted. (Which I’m sure you might guess.) When I regroup with my phone, I see he’s called multiple times. Ugh. I already told him, I don’t talk on the phone. He calls again. I pick up. (I had to. The only thing I do less than answer a phone call, is check my voicemail.) 

Upon answering the phone call, I discover that he thought I was madat him. I asked him,

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“Well, I didn’t know what the girl with the hands crossed across her face meant. I thought maybe you were mad at me, and you didn’t return my text, so I got scared and called.”

Oh for FACKS sake! You wishing me good luck on a show doesn’t warrant anger. And just cuz I don’t text you right back doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it just means I’m busy. Do you think this means he’s coming out of a volatile relationship where he was always getting in trouble? (Though to be fair, I have no idea what this Emoji is really supposed to mean either. I just thought she’s a bad dancer, like me.) Cell phones and social media have made us all too available to each other. But there are times in the day where we all put it away, right? Like at work, the gym, the bathroom…? (Okay, maybe not the bathroom. But do you really want me to respond from a toilet anyway? This is how poop related Snapchats happen.) Let’s not freak out when someone doesn’t have time to text you every five seconds.

I got some messages from dude readers a few weeks ago, when I posted my last blog. They all really liked what this guy said about coming out of a ten year relationship. It’s the reason I chose to write about theses quirky interactions this week. Clearly I’m a pro at being single. I wanna help. So this is just a friendly reminder, when you meet someone new, start fresh. Don’t bring your paranoia and insecurities from your last relationship. I’m not trying to mean. Just honest. Relax. Be yourself, even if it’s a 35 year-old girl who finally had to turn an ingrown hair over to her doctor. (K, now I’m talking about me, obvi.) Just saying, there’s nothing more embarrassing about your life, that I can’t match with mine.

These are just a few, very specific tips to the newly single I wanted to share with you. Please don’t call me Baby. (Kreesha Turner also has a song called that, in case you’d rather the CanCon version. Clearly I’m not alone here.) Also, I’m sorry if my Emoji’s confuse you. We can get through this together. And finally, I’m sorry if I don’t write back fast enough. I’m alive, and well. In fact, if you’re lucky, I might just be in the shower…

Using my fingers for things other than rings,

walkinsauce:)

*Did ya get that reference? If you didn’t, you gotta Google me.

P.S. I do look mad, don’t I? 

vampireapologist:

hey just so you know “love hurts” means thinks like 

unrequited love is painful to process and get over,

it sucks when you love someone but they’re far away so you can’t be with them right now, 

sometimes we do something selfish out of love that we have to fix and work to do better next time, 

sometimes the people we love aren’t kind to themselves, and it hurts to see,

it’s painful to love someone deeply and see them go through something hard that you can’t fix for them, 

but “love hurts” does Not mean that being loved should be painful, scary, unpleasant, manipulative, or guilt-ridden. If someone you love hurts you again and again, even if they think they love you, they don’t. Not enough to be gentle, to be kind. You’ve gotta try to believe you deserve better. Love doesn’t “hurt” like that.

krakensdottir:

whispsofwind:

finleycannotdraw:

kitcat-italica:

Valid take: Crowley fell in love with Aziraphale since he said he gave away the flaming sword, and has been holding out for that love ever since.

Also valid take, but less talked about: Crowley slowly fell in love with Aziraphale over the millennia, the same way Aziraphale did. Maybe with sliiiiightly more awareness of what was happening, because he doesn’t have as much repression and denial to wade through. But it still caught up with him unawares.

Hottest of hot takes that my brain won’t stop screaming about: the full force of Crowley’s feelings didn’t barrel into him like a flaming Bentley until Aziraphale gives him the holy water. That’s when it’s pedal-to-the-metal, no-stopping-this-beating-heart, holy shit I love him and he loves me, that’s what this has been this whole time.

Which means….AZIRAPHALE HAD HIS OH SHIT MOMENT….BEFORE CROWLEY

!!!!!!!!!!!

ANOTHER TAKE I SAW RECENTLY AND COULDNT GET OUT OF MY HEAD was that Crowley fell in love with Aziraphale at the wall of Eden, but he didn’t realize it until the BOOKSHOP FIRE

Which… makes sense because of the music changing from You’re My Best Friend toSOMEBODY TO LOVE.

So yeah, he was totally pining the entire time, and it was probably agony, but he didn’t know what he wanted that he didn’t already have.… until he thought it had been taken away for good.

That would imply Crowley had yet to realise it when they were with Warlock. In this scenario he thinks Aziraphale is his Best Friend, right?

Cue Nanny being quite worried when Warlock begins school, because surely 6 years old Warlock is way too young to have that kind of intense relationship

See, I don’t think Crowley has a hard distinction between friendship and romance. Like. How much basis for comparison could he possibly have? To him it’s just one long increasingly intense stream of emotional attachment, which begins when the angel proves just how different he is.

But it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when anything shifts, partly because there are so many gaps in their onscreen history. Like, for my money, he’s showing full-on affection and is at least somewhat smitten by the time they’re at the Globe, but there’s such a gap before then, it could have happened any time in the last several centuries. But there are definitely romantic overtones by then. He’s just so damn weak to those puppy-dog eyes.

As to when he realizes it, that’s a whole other question. But personally… again, I don’t think there was actually a big ‘aha!’ moment for Crowley. I’m inclined to think that epiphanies are more Aziraphale’s thing, and that Crowley’s been low-key aware of how he feels for a long time. Like after he saves the books, he ducks his head and avoids eye contact before walking away. I think he’s well aware of the gesture he’s making there.

There is a huge impact to the holy water scene, though. Because I think - just my theory - that’s when Crowley realizes Aziraphale loves him back just as intensely. Az has always been so reserved about their relationship, keeping a distance, using euphemistic language, and rarely making the big leaps forward; it’s almost always Crowley making a move. And yet here he is choosing to give Crowley this immense gift, out of sheer concern for his well-being, in the most personal way possible (a fucking tartan thermos), before dropping that absolutely LOADED line. Yeah. I think that’s when it hits Crowley that his feelings might actually be reciprocated.

A clear distinction between friendship and romance might not be sensible to a being of an inherently sexless species. Even if they can feel a human-like sexual attraction because of their human-ish bodies (which I’m not sold on at all), it’s probably not an instinct that comes to them naturally. They are clearly naturally affectionate, aka do form friendship bonds (at Eden they’re both still fairly uninfluenced by humanity, haven’t been incorporated long and both clearly show signs of liking each other one way or another), but does the distinction humans make make sense? What is a romantic relationship if you take away sexual desires and expressions of affection? People make it sound like friendship isn’t love. But it is. You love your friends, and you especially love your best friend. People who say a best friendship isn’t as close and intense as a romantic relationship might not actually have had a real best friend before.

But I want to make a point aside of frustration with our society’s looking down on friendships, and that point is that both “friendship” and “romance” are human labels, and what is considered appropriate under either of those labels has been changing alot in just the last couple of centuries of human history. Crowley and Aziraphale have been around for all this time.

Romantic relationships were not always the most intellectually and emotionally intimate relationship for people to have. For a long time, marriages were formed not by affection, but primarily by political and financial concerns. To make sure there were heirs, to combine two farms or kingdoms, that sort of thing. You could hope to get along well with your spouse, and some spouses certainly grew to love one another, but marriage was often a bond made for practical considerations, rather than emotional ones. If you were a king or duke or whatnot, you might have an affair with someone you loved. The normal peasant couldn’t afford that sort of thing in the long run. Lots of trouble. Friendships and familial relationships like those between siblings were what you got your closeness and support from, either instead of or in addition to your marriage.

For a long while, people romantised friendships the way today’s culture romantises romance. Have you ever read epic Irish folk tales, stories of blood brothers and what we today would probably describe as platonic soulmates? Or for example the late 19th century novels of German author Karl May, full of characters in life-long best friendships that today’s readers will interpret more as queerplatonic partnerships or as homoerotic subtext, depending on how they squint at the text? Or the full blown love letters adressed to friends they found from the 17th to 19th century? At this time, in Western culture the concept of a “romantic friendship” came up, a relationship type that some researchers think has existed before, but then became more visible, because romantic relationships (the modern interpretation of them) came more into focus and especially physical affection between friends started to be considered weird (a trend that ended in what we have today).

Today, if you want to cuddle a best friend or hold their hand or share a house and a life with them, you’ll have to negotiate the relationship terms, because right now these things are monopolised by romantic relationships. That was not always the case, and it’s probably worth noting that it isn’t actually very healthy for humans to live that way. We’re capable of lots of different loving bonds and to limit emotional intimacy to one type of them might be one reason we have things like today’s loneliness epidemic going on.

But the point was historical relationship types.

Some of these historic close friendships were certainly homosexual partnerships hidden in more or less plain sight, but that doesn’t change that for centuries, it was quite normal to be a lot more affectionate and emotionally open about your close friendships. Crowley and Aziraphale casually reference events from hundreds of years ago. Time means little to angels and demons. The by comparison rapid changing of human relationship labels must be all sorts of confusing.

Is it surprising that Crowley doesn’t have a clear distinction? Or, that he chooses to call his attachment to Aziraphale “best friend”? It’s the much more long standing term for what they have. Angels/demons seem to naturally form friendships, so it’s probably a concept he was familiar with already (there were probably friendships between angels in Heaven before the Fall). And as a being to whom human-ish attraction of a more sexual nature might well not come naturally, he’s stuck observing humans and their relationships to make sense of the terms they use. Now, especially considering the history, observe a close knit friendship and a romantic relationship. What’s the difference? It’s not the emotional closeness. It’s more like the physical expression (kissing, sex).

Crowley and Aziraphale don’t kiss and have sex. At least not on screen. Whether or not they will do so after Armageddon isn’t relevant to the time during the series. Crowley looks at his relationship with Aziraphale, and goes “yes, he’s the most important being in my life, I’d do anything for him, he knows me best out of everyone in existence, even if the whole world ends in a puddle of burning goo, he’s what I’ll try to save, without him my life is meaningless, but we don’t kiss and don’t fuck” and concludes “best friends!” It makes sense, doesn’t it?

Excuse me for rambling. The above points aside, I do agree that Crowley grows to love Aziraphale slowly and over time, but is definitely at a near present day level of affection for him at the globe. He’s looking at him so fondly, and yes, so weak for the puppy eyes. (Which isn’t necessarily a romantic thing either; I’m super weak for puppy eyes from my sister and my best friend, and reasonably weak for it from other friends, so weakness to manipulation by puppy eyes is probably individually different and Crowley might just have a bad case of it.)

But I’ll buy Crowley being in love one way or another at the globe, and the thermos being his moment of “wow, he likes me back”.

polyamzeal:

how particular are you about your space, time, belongings, and the way someone is allowed to treat you? if you’re unable to assert your boundaries in any of those areas, you’re bound to feel disrespected, burnt-out, and resentful.

this is why establishing healthy boundaries is the very first act of self-love. you have to realize that YOU dictate your relationships by allowing people to treat you a certain way.

whatever you tolerate will continue. whatever you put a stop to will end. [x]

geekdawson:

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

bro what if…. i put tiny lil’ microscopic kisses all over your face… platonically, of course

How do you say “I love you and I want to get married to you.” without having to ever talking to someone… asking for a friend…