Did I call my nearest newspaper seller to see if they had the SF chronicle and then get my mother to drive me there at 10:45 just to get the Wrightworth newspaper?
Did I call my nearest newspaper seller to see if they had the SF chronicle and then get my mother to drive me there at 10:45 just to get the Wrightworth newspaper?
As an asexual person who has been raped specifically because of my asexuality, I need to have words with you. A lot of words. I’m on the inclusionist side of the discourse and I agree with a lot of points you’ve made. But I still have a serious problem.
The short of it: Stop using me as a rhetorical device in your discourse arguments.
The long of it. (Long post incoming. Trigger warnings for rape, sexual assault, and aphobia.)
I have to put this on a side blog because I know if I talk about my experience, I’m opening myself up to people who either won’t believe me, or will say that it didn’t happen for the reason that it did happen.
(But to anyone who’s about to protest: The person who raped me was a cis girl. I, at the time, assumed I was a cis girl. I not know I’m nonbinary. Misogyny wasn’t involved. We were discussing crushes and I brought up the fact that I didn’t have them. She was attempting to make me feel attraction to her.)
I am allowed to use my personal experience as an example of aphobia. I am allowed to define my personal experience, and to tell people about it, if I feel that telling it will increase awareness. I am allowed to use it as an example of what can happen when we don’t give minors the vocabulary to define themself. I am very hesitant to use the words corrective rape to describe my experience, but it was caused by my asexuality.
You, Carmen, are a survivor of abuse. You are allowed to talk about your personal experiences. You are allowed to use them however you want.
You, however, are not asexual. And as such, I do not feel that you are allowed to use our pain and our experiences for your rhetoric.
It, to be frank, is creepy. You know how straight people love to watch movies where queers suffer and die? That is how you come across, but specifically for aces. You use our abuse for your own gains.
I know you are autistic and this is likely a special interest of yours. But guess what? I am also autistic. I, also, have special interests. And it would be incredibly creepy if one of my special interests were the pain and suffering of people who experience transmisogyny, as that is not something I experience. It would be creepy if I kept bringing up transmisogyny in arguments. It would be incredibly inappropriate.
I did not give you PERMISSION to use my experience that way. You do not have my consent. You cannot.
The way you use examples of rape caused by asexuality is inappropriate. You bring it up randomly. You bring it up constantly. You bring it up in arguments that have NOTHING to do with that. And you never tag it! Ever!! You just post about it and make text wall upon text wall!
And yes, I am aware that the text walls are an autistic thing. I’m doing it myself. I, however, TAGGED IT. AND WARNED PEOPLE ABOUT IT. Because I don’t throw my assault in people’s faces!
You use it as a bullet point in debates! You use it as a finishing move in your arguments! Because you think if you bring up rape, instant win condition!!
Did you watch the episode of Steven Universe called Rocknaldo? Did you know that it showed an example of how you can be a bad ally? When you make it about yourself? That’s you. I don’t think you actually care ace survivors. I think you just want us to exist so you can win your next argument.
That is not appropriate.
You need to stop. You need. To. Stop. Because you are using my assault in ways that I did not give you permission to. And that is, in itself, violating.
The creator of this blog reached out to me about sharing this post. I posted a little while ago about how courteousmingler treats asexual rape victims like a voiceless monolith and I think this is a good statement on the negative impact that her approach has on the very people she claims to be standing up for.
I hope this is redundant of me to say but please don’t reblog this to argue with the OP about how they define/interpret their experience of sexual violence. It’s okay for us as survivors to talk about this sort of thing but I don’t think this post is the place to hash out a debate about aphobia or whatever. Please be appropriate; this blog started because courteousmingler has a habit of turning other peoples’ abuse into Discourse in really destructive and cruel ways, don’t do that to this person.
it honestly is super upsetting that queer is just what you’re going to be called nomatter how hard you try and how far you run.
it’s about people addressing “the queer community” and “queers” and it’s about hearing someone describe a person they know as “obviously queer” and thinking oh i could easily be that person that’s what they think of me. it doesn’t matter what i do or say you will always put that label on me without my permission. as much as i just want to make it easy and give up and roll over i can’t because it’ll never feel like anything but a label i’ve been forced to use. do not call me a fucking queer that is not what i am
“… Where I said “lesbian” the word lesbian was changed to “queer.” I was rebranded. I became the mythological “if the situation was right” lesbian. The appropriated slur “queer,” has become the popular descriptor of choice for a “yes” girl or a “maybe” girl— An “I’m not going to rule anything out because I’m open-minded” girl. It doesn’t carry the sting of lesbian. The stigma of lesbian. The boundaries of lesbian. Lesbian is a solid “No.” ”Not even if…” And that unwillingness to bend is the very reason lesbians are targeted with insidious psychological warfare.”
I like to categorize things and I hope some people find it useful, so here’s a collection of books I’ve read featuring wlwoc of color and again, I’ll keep updating as I keep reading. (This indicates the character’s ethnic background, not necessarily where the story takes place)
the irony of seeing people say “queer people/queer community” to be #inclusive but it makes you feel alienated instead
like as someone who grew up with queer being on the same level as faggot as fun anti gay slurs to throw around, it makes me cringe so bad that it’s like becoming the politically correct term to call gay/trans people, that cishets use it constantly, and that instead of people saying like “lesbian actor”/“bisexual musician” etc. they just say queer. it’s just really not a fun experience and so tiring when you have absolutely no desire to reclaim it but it’s basically forced on you 24/7. and honestly i cant tell if it feels worse coming from cishet people or those who are supposed to be your “fellow gays”
like people are just going to keep saying “theyre only queer because they want to be/because it gets them off/because they think it’s fun/because they saw a queer person and thought it sounded like a good idea/etc. theyre gonna keep saying it
and we are going to have tostop desperately scrambling to say noooo, they have to be like that, they have no choice, they wouldn’t be like this if they didnt have to. we HAVE to stop falling all over ourselves assuring straight people and transphobes that we hate being us as much as they hate us being us, that we are suffering and that’s why we deserve this decadence and deviancy. we HAVE to start saying "yeah ok and?”
being queer is a delight. deviant sex makes people really happy. being genderfucky is joyful. queerness CAN actually be an option you can choose, and that doesn’t make it worth less than if you only picked it with a gun to your head, because it is a good option and there are good reasons to pick it.
idk im really tired of 15-17 year olds who have never interacted with the gay community irl and spend too much time on tiktok trying to act like the authority on all that is lgbt+
mean this in the kindest possible way. if you are too young and unsafe to go to your gay community center or pride here’s some ways you can connect to gay history.
They don’t understand that nowadays a lot of gay people feel forced to use “same-sex attraction” because of how the modern trans movement has redefined “gay” to include attraction to the opposite sex. TRAs are the ones promoting conversion therapy rhetoric. Not radfems.
“assimilation” being presented as a bad thing when all it means in this instance is to be treated like a normal person and allowed to live their lives w respect and dignity lol. ya some of us don’t want constantly antagonize everyone we come into contact with or politicize our existence. some ppl literally just want to chill
Gay People: We just want to be seen as normal and be treated with the same respect/receive the same rights that straight people are naturally given.
Honey Nut Queerios: Omg why would you want to be normal?? Being QuEeR is all about being weird and quirky and deviant! Now shut up while we redefine your sexuality to include the opposite sex lol
a lot of people (coughs in tiktok) have been saying lately that microlabels are harmful. what i have to say about that, as someone who’s been in and out of a lot of queer spaces in their life, is that if you use a microlabel, and you feel it’s helpful to your understanding of your identity, absolutely continue to use it. labels are tools that help us navigate the spaces we live in. if you love your label, keep using it! be proud of it! you are valid, it is no one’s business but yours, and you are more important than any queer discourse.
Why the fuck would you even date someone if you know you’re asexual.
Because some aces want relationships?
Let me be clearer.
What would someone who feels no sexual or romantic attraction want in a relationship that is built on sexual and romantic attraction?
Depends, queerplatonic relationships are a thing. Some people still want the closeness of a romantic relationship and most people don’t offer that to their friends.
But most people with no sexual or romantic attraction don’t date, or if they do it’s when they are still figuring out that they are aroace.
Well first of all “queerplatonic relationship” is just a close friendship.
And I’m not talking about someone who is questioning whether they are ace or not, I’m talking about someone who knows that they are asexual. If you want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with someone, then you’re not asexual.
Wouldn’t you feel bad on some level to be in a relationship with someone who by the nature of the relationship they do or in the future would expect romantic/sexual activities and continue to date them knowing that you’re not interested in that at all? What would you gain by being in that kind of relationship if you claim to have no sexual/romantic desires?
First of all, no. A queerplatonic relationship isn’t just a close friendship. A queerplatonic relationship is one that blurs the line between romantic and platonic, largely defined by the people involved.
The real answer to your question is: because people are complex and their reasoning behind doing what they do is equally so.
The only time a person would be in the wrong in this situation that you’ve described is if they did not communicate that they had no interest in those things to their partner. If both people agree to it and understand the boundaries of the relationship, why do you care?
“Blurs the lines of platonic and romantic.” Oh you mean like how I’ve shared beds with friends, or kissed them, or cuddled with them or whatever? That’s just having a close friend. You don’t have to make a new label to justify your close bond with someone and you don’t have to pretend as if friendship is something that doesn’t involve things that might potentially be construed as romantic. A lot of peoples friendships develop into romantic and with them ending up in a relationship because of this. Also making the term out of a slur and implying that close friendships are somehow related to LGBT things inherently is just… really gross.
People can be complex, and I haven’t argued otherwise. My point is that if you don’t feel attracted to someone then why would you enter into a relationship with them where they would expect romantic and sexual attention and reciprocation? Why would you lead someone on that way if you know that you simply do not experience those types of feelings?
Would that not be potentially toxic and harmful for both parties to enter into a relationship where they either cannot fulfill or would not be fulfilled for the needs of the relationship?
I’m simply questioning why someone who claims to not experience attraction in that way would accept or engage in a relationship where those behaviors and activities are expected.
People in queerplatonic relationships can (and do) get married, have sex, or have kids together as well. The label “queerplatonic” doesn’t exist to justify anything. It’s just a label. I’m also very aware that friendships can include things that are stereotypically romantic.
Queer is an identity, a descriptor, and a slur. To insist that it only be treated like a slur harms those who identify as such, and is a denial of its popular use in a non-derogatory way.
In this instance queer is used to define the nature of the relationship as being “outside the norm” or “odd to the vast majority of people”. Queerplatonic relationships aren’t an LGBTQ+ thing even though you are more likely to see LGBTQ+ individuals in them.
I also think you aren’t actually comprehending my response to you since you feel the need to repeat questions I’ve already answered.
People are complicated.
You keep bringing up scenarios, but the answer is the same.
They are probably getting something out of the relationship that isn’t sexual or romantic that makes the relationship worth it.
You don’t need to understand the details to understand this.
Oh boy.
> People in queerplatonic relationships can (and do) get married, have sex, or have kids together as well. The label “queerplatonic” doesn’t exist to justify anything. It’s just a label.
Then their relationship isn’t platonic, even if there are some platonic elements. A couple who gets married, has sex and has kids together is no longer platonic. That is a sexual and romantic relationship.
There is reason to question the validity of this label and asexuals who seek out and engage in sexual relationships as much as there is to question a man who claims to be gay but actively seeks out only women as sexual and romantic partners. There is complicated, and there is contradictory.
>I’m also very aware that friendships can include things that are stereotypically romantic.
And yet you defend the use of a label that demeans it and insist that relationships that can easily include completely cishet or platonic same gender relationships as being LGBT. This is incredibly regressive.
> Queer is an identity, a descriptor, and a slur. To insist that it only be treated like a slur harms those who identify as such, and is a denial of its popular use in a non-derogatory way.
It sure is one of those things. Just because someone identifies as something doesn’t make it an valid or useful label. Treating a word as the slur it is actively used as isn’t “harmful” it is acknowledging the usage. It’s “popular use in a non-derogatory way” doesn’t erase the arguably more widespread use of it as a pejorative or its history in the places you would likely claim are non-derogatory.
> In this instance queer is used to define the nature of the relationship as being “outside the norm” or “odd to the vast majority of people”. Queerplatonic relationships aren’t an LGBTQ+ thing even though you are more likely to see LGBTQ+ individuals in them.
Ah yes, the old “LGBT people are freaks, actually” argument. The whole point of LGBT activism was and is to be treated as an accepted as normal in society. To continue to push that friendships expressed by LGBT people are “more likely” to be strange or unconventional is regressive and goes against historic and current LGBT activism.
If its not LGBT exclusive, then why tie the label to an inherently LGBT slur? Why connect it to LGBT people by using the most common LGBT slur in its name?
> I also think you aren’t actually comprehending my response to you since you feel the need to repeat questions I’ve already answered.
It’s not my fault if your logic and thinking are contradictory or flawed. I have read and further questioned your responses.
> People are complicated. You keep bringing up scenarios, but the answer is the same.
“People are complicated.” Is not a sufficient excuse for contradictory statements like this. I’m bringing up reasonable scenarios as elaborations on my original question.
> They are probably getting something out of the relationship that isn’t sexual or romantic that makes the relationship worth it.
If they are getting something out of the relationship that is not romantically or sexually based in a romantic or sexual relationship that is not romantic or sexual, then why isn’t the relationship simply friendship or platonic.
Again, if you are getting some kind of gratification out of sex with someone or being romantically intimate, then you are experiencing sexual and romantic attraction, respectively.
>You don’t need to understand the details to understand this.
I’m not getting hung up on details here, I am trying to address an inherent contradiction in someone who claims to not enjoy something in a relationship seeking out and engaging in relationships where those things are going to happen. It’s like if someone went out of their way to order food from a restaurant every week even though they actually think the food is bland and awful and they service is subpar but they continue to order it anyways instead of doing literally anything else.
If you use “queer” as a term for the community, kindly remember it is still an active slur for many of us. By normalizing this word, you are not helping those of us that still endure it. In fact, you make it much, much more worse.
I know homophobes, and they are excited they now get to call us dirty little freaks to our faces. You have allied yourself with people who hate us, but you are turning a blind eye to this. You need to remember, no one will know if you’re LGBT or not if you use this term, which allows for anyone to say this term. Homophobes know this. They know they can now openly call us freaks, as this word still means for many of us and others.
By calling the community the “queer community”:
You are choosing to call yourself a freak.
You are choosing to let others call us freaks.
You are choosing to call others freaks.
I do not accept nor consent to being called a slur. Stop forcing this as a community label. The words you say and call yourself have meaning, please understand this. I am tired of people in my community and homophobes trying to force me to accept this slur. In my eyes, as someone who endures this as a slur, you are one and the same.
Please don’t go onto my own posts and tell me to fuck off only to immediately block me. That’s very immature of you and, frankly, paints you as a coward.
This post has shed some very unfortunate reality on the usage of “queer” as an identity. Here is what you all have told me:
It means nothing. OR. It can mean any term already actively used in the community.
“Queer” is both a separate community or it is the new name for the LGBT community. None of you all can seem to agree on this one.
None of you all, however, seem to grasp that this is still an active slur. Not everyone wants to be addressed as the slur they’re actively called. It’s offensive and inconsiderate to try to place this onto many of us. We’re often accused of “lying” or siding with homophobes because none of you all can grasp this was and is still a slur used on us.
I, and many others, are not comfortable with being forced to accept an active slur. It holds a lot of trauma and discomfort for us. Please try to understand the words you say can and will hold meaning.
I will never understand why queers get so mindboggling feral over being reminded their identity makes many others uncomfortable because it is an active slur for the community. You all were the ones who chose this identity. We did not force you to call yourself a slur.
This one is so pretty! The pink and light blue look so cute and helps break the flag up a bit more. Plus they were removed for stupid reasons.
The racism and transphobia really jumped out…
Yeah, yikes
Imo the one w/ the pink one is so much uglier
1: Don’t call me racist or transphobic because I understand how colour theory works.
2: I am literally trans
3: The original flag didn’t exclude people of colour, it treated them the same as everyone else. I don’t understand why you would need an extra stripe or two to “appreciate POC more”. Also, right before he died, the creator of the flag (Gilbert Baker) added a lavender stripe to represent diversity.
4: The black bar already had meaning. It represented those who were lost to AIDS. The people who added the brown stripe completely appropriated the meaning of the black one and painted over its meaning and history, which is honestly pretty disgusting in my opinion.
Stop calling people who disagree with you racist and transphobic because they know the history of the flag more than you do and realise that the brown stripe is ugly as fuck.
i love the original flag so much, always have :( its so pleasing
“the pink stripe is ugly” just say graphic design is your passion and go. also gilbert baker wasn’t consulted on the bullshit design, and they released it like a MONTH after his death. that’s fishy as fuck.
if you support the philly pride flag, you lose the ability to complain about capitalism and corporations pandering to LGBT people.
The city paid an ad agency to make up an ‘inclusive’ LGBT flag to cover up for the fact that the city was racist as fuck and wanted to shift the buck to the LGBT community instead.
Also the creator of the philly flag stated clearly that the goal of adding the trans/intersex/etc flags in the design was to SHIT THE FOCUS AWAY FROM HOMOSEXUALITY.
It’s literally a homophobic pride flag and I think the design is pretty well made in this regard. Because it’s fucking obvious.
Hey #OFMD fans? Just a little reminder of what your blorbo Stede Bonnet got up to when he wasn’t pirating. That’s right, being a FUCKING SLAVE OWNER and a militia member who hunted escaped slaves. He was likely a rapist, or encouraged the rape of barely pubescent Black girls. They would be beaten, whipped, and otherwise tortured into compliance. They would spend the rest of their lives pregnant while undergoing extreme violence EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
When he left to become a pirate he made sure the plantation stayed in the hands of his wife and sons in case he wanted to go back.
The show creator knew what he was and didn’t give a shit. I hope the show gets cancelled and all digital media of it pulled from the Internet for all fucking time. I hope it gives you nightmares.
If someone could transcribe these excerpts from bell hook’s Ain’t I A Woman I’d appreciate it, I’m too tired and physically exhausted to do it myself.
Reminder that Stede Bonnet was a whole ass plantation owner with an estimated 94 slaves who participated in hunting down (and no doubt torturing or killing) escaped slaves. And that was BEFORE the piracy. The writer knew this and instead of creating a fictional character, he just ignored it and turned him into a romantic love interest.
And once again white queers are happily dismissing this fact because the show gives them “representation” as if it isn’t just a bunch of straights playing gay for fun and Profit.
i’d rather have rainbow capitalism then living in constant fear of discovery. the woman in the pride flag disney t-shirt might be missing the nuance, but at least i know i can be myself. a street full of rainbow flags makes me more comfortable holding a mans hand. look. corporations aren’t your friend. they will sell to whoever will buy. but kids seeing gay everything every year is only ever a good thing, and a massive improvement in history
rainbow capitalism isn’t liberatory, especially not when we exist in a society that withdraws its support for queerness as soon as it transgresses respectability and commodified the rest of it. just yesterday the marines posted a picture of a helmet with rainbow bullets strapped to the back, and it comes off, to me, as entirely grim to say, “well, at least i feel safer” when the biggest imperialist project in the world continually reinforces homophobia and transphobia abroad and at home.
i hate this weird sense of internalized queerphobia of like. being visibly and really loudly queer is somehow immature and childish and one day you’ll grow up and fall into cishet line and stop
