#negative

Godddddd I really don’t wanna go to work today I feel fucking miserable and I’m literally so stressed

World Visit’s here! I’m working on preparing the next Cathedral Chats and the promised Growers’ Conference for Greening Coerthas as planned (hopefully both in May, maybe late), and I look forward to minglin’ with all you Crystal folk.

I do have a depressing confession to make, though.

For quite some time now – maybe as early as 4.1, though maybe even with portents in late Heavensward – I’ve not been feeling great about the direction FFXIV is turning, while at the same time I was struggling to sustain RP though 2018. I was expecting that the Starlight Feast in Ala Mhigo would be my last event and that I’d wind down Greening Coerthas after that. However, the announcement of Ishgard reconstruction and farming at November FanFest re-energized me, and I was excited for Shadowbringers.

Since then, all the news has been bad, and now the trends look even worse than I had been fearing before. Having taken the past few months to brood and reflect, I’m pretty sure now that FFXIV is becoming – perhaps has already become – a game that isn’t enjoyable for me. Aesthetics, story, lore, progression have all drifted away from what attracted me to the game back in 2.5. Doesn’t mean I think they’re now bad – I know my preferences will put me in a teeny minority of the players for any game – but they’re not for me, to the point that the little niche my tiny minority enjoyed doesn’t really exist anymore.

I’m so heartbroken. I loved this game. I’m grieving the loss heavily.

I’m not quite quitting, though. I still plan to get and play the beginning of Shadowbringers – solely for Ishgard reconstruction and farming, hah – and then probably at the end of 2019 evaluate if I should continue. So, like I mentioned: Cathedral Chats and the Growers’ Conference will still happen (though I may reduce the number of planned Chats to give myself less stress and workload), and my characters will still be around to RP with. And I’d love to meet ‘n’ chat with all of you, including new people from Crystal! Every time I take a character out for a spin it makes me really happy. But I’m not sure I can in good conscience commit to long-term plot arcs anymore, nor is it really practicable for me to be deep in event-running when a lot of days I can’t even log in without dread and disappointment.

My heart is heavy, and I’ll be grieving for a long time. But, having gotten a head start on that grieving process, I can also look back at some of the memories with joy and pride. (Such pride! I think I’ve done some of my life’s best writing so far for Rosaire.) What a wonderful time it’s been. I only wish it could be longer – and perhaps it could still be, if the course of the game changes someday in the future and the things that once drew me in come back.

But for now I plan to pull back and put more energy into work, art, and other RP. You can still reach me by Tumblr and by Discord (send me a Tumblr message if you’d like to be Discord friends!) to arrange RP or just say hello! I also expect to continue maintaining my lore compilations at least through the end of this year, and I plan to keep them up forever, so don’t worry about those disappearing.

Thank you for being great RP partners, friends, and neighbors. Even if it ends up shorter than I could wish, our time together’s been an incredible, splendid gift.

“If you hurt someone else by accident in a vulnerable moment, and they didn’t trust you enough to tell you that you hurt them, you’d be distressed, because no one wants to hurt someone they care about. You would want to make it better, you would feel guilty, you would be worried for them.”

Well yeah! I would feel awful!

But, you see, it’s ME that it happened to, so no one should feel bad! I see that you think there’s a connection, but there isn’t! It’s NBD if I’m the one hurt, whereas it’s a problem if someone else is!

“Facciamo finta che io mi addormento e quando mi sveglio è tutto passato.”

Niccolò Fabi, Facciamo finta

Confession: Even though I read and enjoyed Dragonslayer, I just can’t see myself ever fully getting back into Wings of Fire. I haven’t touched the third series since the first book, and don’t see that changing. No matter what, I can’t get past how Winter’s character was treated in the second arc. And I haven’t heard anything about him getting any sort of apology in the third arc, so yeah.

Like, he dared to get angry at Moon for wanting to keep being friends with the dragon who was committing actual genocide against his entire species, and had already killed his aunt. And HE was treated like a jerk for yelling at her! That scene when Kinkajou tells him that he can’t be trusted with the knowledge of what happened to Darkstalker and tells him to apologize to Moon for being awful and Winter says that it’s “his own fault” that Moon chose Qibli over him just ARGHHHHHH!!!!!! My blood still boils thinking about it.

Look. If I was in Winter’s place, and someone I had trusted as a friend learned that someone they were close to was committing murder against my family, and they were still all “Well, I want to keep being this person’s friend,” I would punch that person in the throat!

So, yeah. I needed to get that rant out. It’s a shame, because I really enjoyed WOF, and there is and was a lot of potential, but I don’t think I can trust Tui’s handling of characters after something so blatantly awful.

i literally can n o t relax i hate my SHIT ASS fucking friend SO fucking MUCH

god my chest aches it feels like june 4th over again losing this show is a physical ache and i dont have words

mom didsome fucked up shit n im ventig. gonna call me therapist bc i dont know what to do.

how do ii add a readmore on mobile i odnt know

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its hrd to move and my eyes keep de-focusing and my drunk mom screamed and touched me and tickled and pulled on me when i didnt get out of bed, threew my gender in my face, threatened to withhold my terminally ill infirm grandmother’s basic needs of the toilet and warmth wgen i didnt do what she wanted immediately when she wanted it.

i get pissy and annoyed when im interrupted by grandma needing something, but i always come downstairs and help. if i donnt do it one time because my body is having problems i deserve to be screamed at and vilified and touched and told what a horrible awful selfish lazy sexist male scum pile of dogshit i am.

why yes mother that completely fixes whatever physiological ailment is keeping me from doing what you demand of me. yes i really am being willfully lazy and selfish when i dont think its safe for me to try helping my dying grandmother who is begging for your help im ny current physical state.

yes mother i WANT to be sleeping 22 hours a day and doing NOTHING. it feels GREAT and im doing it COMPLETELY ON PUROSE. i LOVE being ducking powerless when my grandmother calls desperately for help. i am WILLFULLY dizzy and unsteady on my feet. it feels AMAZING to be an IMPOTENT UNCONSCIOUS LUMP.

ny head hurts, my body feels aawful, and i kust want to crumble into sand.

i can push through it for maybe 20 minutes at a time but rhen i need to sleep for like 3 hours. my friend was here for a day and a half and i spent most of that time PASSED OUT.

m sorry im weak and useless. im not as capable as its convenient for you to believe. my limit is so much lowers than everyone else i know and all you do is tell me that im lying andd just beifing lazy and selfish.

im so scared to tell her anything ever. i never know what shes gonna freak out about, what shes gonna invalidate, or what shes going to deem unimportant or “a lie”. whenever i tell her i dont feel good, all she does is list all the ways my suffering is my own fault through some failingh of mine so i deserve it and she doesnt have to go easy on me or think about it anymore. like shes “tryig to figure out the reason” why i feel bad, but it either ends up being some self-care thing i was too “lazy/selfish” to do, or i cant find a reason so i must not actually feel sick.

shes never gonna be happy, so she has to make sure everyone she “loves” knows how terrible and awful and selfish they are.

im dont see any way to get out. i dont have friends or family in the area that i can rely on. i dont see any future. i know its there, but i dont know what it looks like, it could be worse than this, it could be homelessness and starvation and being denied the medicine i need to stay alive. im scared. i let all my friends drift away. its my fault that i have nobody. its my fault that i dont have noelle anymore. i dont think im really even worth talking to. im just a sad-sack pile of mommy-issues and chronic medical conditions. im not worth anything outside of what i produce: ideas, art, conversation. and im so fuckign slow and awkward and sparse with all of those. i dont know how to talk to people, i dont know how to make firends, i dont know how to make myself interesting, i dont know how to make myself better than i am. i jsut want a mom that isnt insane. i want a family. i want someone i can just connect with if nothing else. i want my old high school friends back. i want my childhood back. i want . i want noelle back.

Had a lady scream at me, calling me a racist bitch, just a few minutes before closing and now my headache is worse than before

19.04.21 // so goddamn tired of trying to be optimistic so don’t tell me everything’s alright don’t tell me everything’s alright don’t tell me everything’s alright!!!!