It snowed again today; big, fluffy snowflakes. They fell for hours and are still falling now. But earlier, when the grass was still peeking through the white blanket accumulating on the ground, my mom and I went for a walk to get some fresh air.

As we were walking, we began chatting pleasantly about how easy it is to take each season for granted. Personally, I used to be very uneasy and displeased whenever summer approached, and for my mother that season was always winter. And honestly? I this past year has made me realize just how much I missed in life while thinking like that.

Because of the way I was thinking and the mindset I had chosen for myself, I was only seeing things how I wanted them to be and instead of for what they were. And when you look at anything through a lens of, “I wish things were this way,” you get stuck in an infinite loop of disappointment because obviously said thing isn’t going to fit in the perfect little box you’ve created in your mind.

This realization was why I’ve spent the last year being patient and observing things for what they are instead of what I want them to be. And what I found is that I became a lot more positive in response.

I wasn’t disappointed because I held no expectations to begin with. I wasn’t shocked and in distress when things suddenly changed because I wasn’t expecting anything to go as plan in the first place. I found myself more open, loving, and flexible than ever, and the only thing I actually changed about my life was that I changed one tiny aspect of my mindset.

It was a really cool experience to go through and was super beneficial in helping with a lot of the anxiety, depression, and other mental issues I’ve been dealing with for years.

If anyone would like me to make another post on exactly what steps I used to go about changing my mindset (because it’s not usually an easy-to-figure-out or immediate process), let me know!

For now, I love you all and wish you the best in each of your individual journeys and want to remind you that it is possible to heal from any wound. It just takes time, patience, and a little understanding. So be kind to yourselves, okay?

Blessed be, everyone!

Hard Limit Pusher

Should there really be any hard limits in a relationship? If you TRULY TRUST. Then wouldn’t you trust that he/she will know what you need? What you want? And isn’t it the role of your partner, male and female to push your hard limits, not aggressively or with intent but with purpose? Is it not the dynamic to get out of your comfort zone and see how uncomfortable you can get?

To live life on edge?

Speaking of edging…. Mmmmm

Master has tasked me with edging for five minutes every hour today, I know there is a lesson to be had, there always is. Over the past few days since I returned to him, needy and wanting, understanding the last lesson that I did not need answers to return, I needed to get out of my own way and trust he knows what is best for me. I have been learning so much. He truly is a Master. He fascinates me. How one human can be so in control of what his purpose is but missing the mark on other things. But I know he is the Master of his own self and it is not my role to push him, he does not permit me to do that. I know and accept what my role is with him. I know my purpose is to serve his needs. He is free to use my body whenever he wants. I no longer need him to receive and feel love because I love myself. What I need is to be taught a lesson. To continue to learn about my submission and my purpose to serve. And holy crap does this man teach me: not in the school girl being punished way you kinky fucks are thinking. (Although I am sure I would look cute in that getup) however I am all woman, goddess, alpha to my core, sadly dominant in my past relationships, it’s why men have been who they have been with me in the past. I learned and accepted that about who I used to be on day two of returning to London. But he has always known I am submissive, as are all women if they get out of their own way, they push past the uncomfortable zone of lacking trust, feeling unworthy, …

Hold please time to edge… and the alarm says “LUNCH”… so that is my fantasy…

Laying on the couch, legs hanging over the side, your mouth on my Crown Jewels, feeding on your pussy. Lapping up your juices, like it’s a ripe peach, messy and sticky, dripping down between my ass crack, covering your face, suckling on your clit, teasing and torturing me with that magnificent mouth of yours. Your strong arms wrapped around my thighs pinning me in place as I squirm and try to grind on your face. Purely teasing me as I know you’ll stop in 5…4…3… 2…1….

Fuck I love edging….

THE DYNAMIC

The dynamic is as old as time. It began with Adam & Eve.

Do not mistake Dominance & Submission for some sexual kink act. You will be sorely disappointed. I am sure many will appease your temptress ways, if you think your kinky desires will sustain you are mistaken. Without understanding and accepting of your true calling as a woman, your relationship will not withstand the storm of life. True submission is to accept who you are, what you were created for, your purpose and where you are going. The when and why and how are the mystery.

I am a woman, created to submit to my God in the universe and my Master, a man on earth. We are equals. I know my role in my life and in his. He gave me his rib upon creation and I let him feed upon my apple. Together we can create life, love and true happiness. As a spiritual divine union.

We have one need. LOVE. That is the only need in life, for to truly Love yourself, you are healthy mind, body, soul and spirit. And if you love yourself, only then can you love another, trusting that he will be there by your side as long as it is Gods will. And once you surrender to God’s will, the unknown of universe, the lack of control, the mystery of the unknown won’t be scary. To live in fear is to dance with the Devil. To give your devoted faith to two, is the most beautiful thing a woman can do and through that beauty, life will be balanced, calm and she will find peace.

God’s Will.

What would it look like if you actually surrendered to God’s Will?

Or whatever deity you choose to worship?

What if you were to stop saying the simple things like; “I’ll be back” or “I’ll focus on that later” or “See you tomorrow”. We don’t have control over that. Why do we say such false statements? Why lie?

I am sure this topic will annoy most because they do not want to think about the fact that they truly have no control but for me being true and honest is important. Changing the way I communicate is crucial to the way I live my purpose. I lied to myself for 43 years, why because my parents lied to me?

Because society sugar coats things and tells “white lies” to soften the blow of reality?

It’s what we know so why not follow?

Because we have been told that our words can manifest themselves? {This one is the only version I so choose now.}

Example: I was walking out the door and simply said, “I’ll be back later” (to my cat) and he looked at me smug. And I stopped and said, will I? I have no control over this statement. I “hope” I return. Why did I feel the need to lie, to my cat! To console him? To reassure he knew I would return? Does he actually understand the words coming out of my mouth? Entirely different blog post. I digress…

Here I go, again on my own… getting into an automobile that has sadly taken away a lot of people in my life, beginning at 12 with my mother, the root of where I felt I lost control in my life and decided I needed to control everything, yet sadly had no control over anything. Which brings me to today…

I accept, I have no control. I surrender to God’s Will. If it is God’s Will I will return. And sadly there is evil in this world so I will wear my seatbelt. Do my rituals, say a little prayer, and be on my merry way.

What would it look like if we stopped telling ourselves the little white lies and surrendered to the Holy Spirit, the Universe, God, Goddess, etc. etc. etc.?

I dare you to try it.

I know you’re going to do 1 thing. Shock the heck out of people. Probably gain trust and possibly respect. And I know another thing, someone(or ones) is smiling down at this post saying to themselves, “it’s about time.” (Could be you) And quite possibly this 1 little change, could make a ripple in the outcome of my and others lives. That is the mystery of life, and the beauty.

So I am off, to check a box, close a chapter. Namaste a home that should have been divine, but there was no true love there so it failed.

Stargazing in London… now that’s Magic

We’ve all heard parts of Corinthians 13, “Love is Patient, Love is Kind, it does not envy, it does not boost..”

But the entire chapter is where the true magnificent message is.

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

What would it look like for you to live and heal in LOVE. To love yourself unconditionally? To trust yourself without doubt? To have faith that is unwavering? To seek and trust only your own advice for if you truly walk in love & the light, you will only accept truth. And your truth is love.

This is my challenge. My path.

Love Heals. Period.

XO

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living a weird life in my weird body with my weird relationship with food

Breakfast of happy siracha eggs, blood orange and some blueberry yogurt

Dinner with my ride or die was a big pile of tofu chow mein!

The leftovers from this will be tomorrow’s lunch too, which saves me so much time!

LUNCH! And breakfast, I don’t really eat breakfast on weekdays!

½ cucumber, whole yellow pepper, 3 laughing cow cheese with gluten free rice crackers, raspberries, a banana, a blood Orange, and a banana chocolate chip muffin.

HEALTH GOTH 2020.

I always want to burn everything down and start from the ground up when I feel like I’ve “failed” at something.

We aren’t going to count Health Goth as a failure, but I would like to stop ebbing and flowing between things and stick with this again, like I did in the summer.

Where I am- it’s cold. Like lots of heavy snowfall, colder than the surface of Mars cold. We have BRUTAL winters, it truly is the boreal wastelands, the frigid tundra.

It makes your moods do backflips. The highs of good days can feel so good and the lows of bad days can feel so so bad. The lows last longer too. They linger, like the cold does in the depths of your spine.

All that being said, I am ready to get back on track, ready to feel better again, ready to reclaim Health Goth.

So for everyone who stuck around, forgetting they were following this blog- Hi! I’m back. And for anyone who is just joining my journey- Welcome.

Let’s feel better, together.

⚔️

Life events:

This past Wednesday I performed my first tattoo on a slab of pig skin.

I did a few different designs that my mentor picked out for me, and went though so many emotions while learning how to properly use the tattoo machine.

This coming week my mentor wants me to tattoo a small design on myself and her, I’m really nervous, but after apprenticing for 11 months it’s nice to finally have the machine in my hand, practicing the actual craft as opposed to just watching, stenciling, setting up, tearing down, etc.

It’s so bizzare to have a career path, to be working towards something else and new.

⚔️

eggy sandwich with Valentina and an orange! with a side of yogurt, bran, and granola!

a great 1pm breakfast for this thicccccccc goth.

tomorrow I get to tattoo pig skin, which is a HUGE step in my tattoo career!

For anyone who doesn’t know I am a tattoo apprentice and professional body piercer

Tomorrow is going to be a good day, right ?

I’m back!

It’s been a few weeks, and I’ve fallen off the wagon (again, big surprise!) but here I am, worming my way back to feeling less like shit- or at least that’s the goal.

I have been eating pretty well. It hasn’t been all fried chicken and fast food - there has been a lot of bubble tea though. That’s my weakness right now, bubble tea .

I’ve been packing lunches that have been healthy, lots of veggies and hummus, but now I’m going to put my attention back into this blog.

Today I’m boiling a chicken carcass to make chicken soup for the week. I have a vegetable mix that I’m going to add, if I remember I will take more progress photos.

Work lunch of cucumbers, strawberries, rice crackers, banana, cheese, olives, and leftover farmer sausage.

Featuring my critters hopping around as I try to take my photos they were too cute to crop out!

I’ve been physically ill for the past week but I feel like I may be starting to feel a bit better, slowly but surely. Today I am apprenticing so hopefully everything goes well!

yogurt with granola and bran and a leftover turkey sandwich.

my life has been weirdly chaotic, my BPD has been a rollercoaster.

I’m sorry for being absent

I did end up ordering myself some lunch yesterday- Vietnamese vermicelli bowl with BBQ pork. I did really enjoy this, I didn’t feel ill after eating it and the sauce was enjoyable. The only heavy part of this meal was the meat.

I wish they had a vegetarian or at least a tofu option. I am not a vegetarian, however meatless meals are a preference of mine 90% of the time. I find meals without meat are much more gentle on my guts and digestion!

All Goth no Health

I didn’t get the opportunity to grocery shop this week so this is what my meal looks like- everything I had hanging around the house that was on the go edible.

Yogurt and bran, cinnamon toast crunch and oat milk, and a Reese’s bat.

Today is going to have quite a bit of sugar, I think I’ll likely order something else to have today, perhaps a smoothie or salad!