steve: do you maybe…. wanna get dinner sometime?

tony:

steve:

tony: i have dinner every day?

Steve: Natasha and Sam are drunk and trying to play matchmaker with us again… Should I remind them that we’re married?

Tony: No, it’s more fun this way.

Tony: [gives some of his coffee to Steve]

[later]

Steve: Buck, I think Tony wants me to propose.

Bucky: And why is that, Punk?

Steve: He gave me some of his coffee.

Bucky: RIGHT LET’S GO BUY THAT RING!

Natasha: [holding mistletoe over Steve and Tony’s heads]

Natasha: Oh look. You’re standing under mistletoe, that means you have to kiss.

Tony: [extremely drunk, starts colouring Steve’s in with a highlighter]

Steve: Erm… What are you doing?

Tony: Highlighting you.

Steve: Yes, I see that… Why?

Tony: Cuz you’re important.

Steve: Let’s have a coffee break for fifteen.

[15 minutes later]

Steve: I meant fifteen minutes. Tony please don’t drink fifteen coffees.

Tony: [vibrating slightly] You should have said that earlier!

Steve: Maybe you made a mistake.

Tony: I don’t get facts wrong! It’s everything else I screw up.

Tony: Hostage or not, sometimes it’s just nice to be held

Steve: …do you need a hug?

Steve: Please, tell me I’m hallucinating.

Tony:[standing next to the burning microwave] Well, I’m dreamy, but try to contain yourself.

Steve: Tony, if you could spare a minute, I’d like a possible opinion on something.

Tony:Well then, you’ve come to the right person.

Steve: I haven’t told you what the something is. You might not have an opinion.

Tony:I always have an opinion.

Shirt theft xD

(Steve’s shirt )

Peter: look what I got!

Steve, without looking up from his magazine: no possums, Peter.

Tony: that’s not fair! There’s no rule saying we can’t have a possum.

Steve, pulling out the Avengers Family Rule Book: actually-

Loki: A Summary

Loki: Don’t worry, I’ve got a few knives up my sleeve.

Bruce: I think you mean “tricks”?

Thor: He did not.

Loki, pulling knives out of his sleeves: I did not.

Steve, stroking Tony’s hair: You’re so tiny and adorable.

Tony, half asleep: I could literally kick your ass right now.

Steve, looking at Tony with heart eyes: I know.

Peter: welcome to my very first vlog in which I will be trying different hair products.

Peter: *sprays hairspray into his mouth*

Peter: well, right off the bat, I can tell you that this is not very good.

Tony: what the fu-

Peter: Tony! Can I ride this scooter Steve gave me?

Tony: sure whatever, I mean I’m not your dad.

Peter, running out: okay! thanks!

Tony, screaming after him: NOT ON THE STREET! STAY AWAY-

Peter: everyone keeps telling me what Tony would or wouldn’t want.

Peter: WELL GUESS WHAT, I’M MY OWN DAD NOW!

Peter: I’M GONNA HAVE COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST AND BEDTIME IS NEVER!

Tony, from the afterlife: fuck ‘em up son!

Rhodey: How do you manage all these kids you keep getting?

Tony: The secret is, I don’t. I have no control over them whatsoever.

Tony: This morning Morgan yelled out to me and when I showed up to see what was going on, Peter shot me in the throat with a nurf gun.

*Peter screams from another room*

Steve: What was that?

Tony: I don’t know. I think Peter saw himself in the mirror.

Peter, from afar: MR STARK! THERE’S ANOTHER ME ON THE WALL!

Tony: JUST INTRODUCE YOURSELF! I’M SURE HE IS NICE!

Tony: You can’t make everyone like you, you’re not Peter.

Steve: What? Not everyone likes Peter.

Tony: Who doesn’t?

Steve: Well-

Tony: Names, now, Steve. GIVE ME THIER NAMES!

Bucky: *pulls out a knife*

Steve: oh no

Bucky: *opens are cardboard box with it*

Steve: oh okay

Bucky: *pulls a gun out of the box*

Steve: oh no

Tony, deathly hungover: Please tell me I’m imagining that I claimed I was the king of ducks.

Steve, sipping his coffee: I would, but then I would be lying to the king of ducks.

Tony, sarcastically: Yeah, everything is great. We are just one big happy family. We are all having a great time.

Also Tony: I want to set either myself or this compound on fire.

Doctor, to pre-serum Steve: you should stop picking fights with people bigger than you.

Bucky: but everyone is bigger than him.

Steve: you want to die, bitchboy?

Computer: Please enter password

Steve: Tony

Computer: Too weak

Steve, destroying the computer: SAY THAT AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER

Tony, holding a cauliflower in front of Steve’s face: what is this?

Steve: … a cauliflower?

Tony, to Peter: now tell Steve what you think it is.

Peter, arms folded: ghost broccoli

Peter: oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers.

Tony, crying: please just say fuck.

Steve, walking into the room with a signage around his neck saying ‘Good things’ :

Tony, following after Steve with a similar sign except his says 'Small Packages’:

Peter, packing his bags: I hate this household