#i feel so alone

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I can’t remember the last time I felt this alone

I’m getting bad again. And unlike every other time, when I’ve sought out help,

This time I’m just letting it infest me.

I want to lose weight. No matter what. I want to feel numb, because I have been stuck in a rut of feeling too much for too long.

Getting lost in myself has never hurt so much.

I don’t know

I don’t know if it was the fact that I moved away from the stress, or that I’m working out longer and harder, or that I’m eating so much less than I did before, but I made it guys.

Goal #1 has been reached. Collarbones are coming back and visible.

Just gotta keep going.

I’m getting bad again…

It’s festival season, and where I am, it’s really hot. I’ve been working out a lot and I’ve lost weight but my thighs and butt have gotten bigger with muscle, but none of last years shorts fit anymore.

I tried buying some new ones today. And although I have been in such a good place about my body, I haven’t felt this low since high school. I haven’t eaten at all today, and I know I should eat but I can’t justify it.

I just can’t do this again.

I feel like my life is burning.

Life punishes me every time I’m happy. I get hurt. People I love get hurt. And I can’t tell if it’s my fault anymore. I just want to be happy.

Opened myself up

Only to get heartbreak like every other time. I swear I never make the right choice.

I wrote the following six years ago when I was 15, my dad was abusive and my mom ignored it I just found it in an old notebook. A child should never feel this much pain and fear. Someday I hope I can make this little girl proud.

Yellow Oak Tree:

The sun is hot and burning

The earth is cruel and harming

Fear surrounds the innocent

Can nothing be saved?

But as I lay beneath you shade a cloak of serenity cascades around me

I am safe

Under the yellow oak tree

Free from judgement

Protected from ridicule

Safe from death

Under the yellow oak tree.

I’ve been tossed from the road I once was on

The path before me is paved with uncertainties

My mind is lost in a labyrinth of turmoil

Now all that I know is nothing at all

I haven’t stopped listening to this since I heard it. These words speak to me on a whole other level and his voice is incredible.

I’ve decided to go to war.

Not with anyone in particular but with my life.

For too long I have just followed life wherever it led me,

My life took away friends, family, and opportunities from me all while I was too busy being at war with what what going on in my own head.

Now, the fear, anxiety, and depression I have that were once my enemy have issued a treaty.

And we are going to take back my life,

Together.

Be proud of the ones you still have hope

Be proud of the ones who are still trying

Be proud of the ones who refuse to give up

Praying that their is a beautiful future waiting for them.

I keep wanting to live my life in the past while everyone else is heading towards the future.

All the while I miss out on the goods things I have right in front of me in the present.

don’t you just love it when the guy you like asks for your advice to ask his crush to prom and reassure him that she’ll say yes cause he’s just such a great guy.

I feel so fucking helpless. I feel so lonely. Help.

C O U N T O N N O B O D Y!!

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