It’s almost 7am and I haven’t slept. I’m having a really bad time with my gallbladder. Long story short it has Polyps. Doctor at the ER told me that “You’re fine. They arent that big so therefore you don’t need to remove it”. I AINT FINE. I get in so much pain when it acts up. The pain is so unbearable that I either puke acids or food or just go to the toilet to relieve the pressure and pain. In addition to that, this week my right leg gets severe pain and I can’t even move it or stand with for a few minutes. DON’T YOU HATE WHEN AN ER DOCTOR DISMISSED YOUR PAIN! DO I LOOK LIKE I WANTED TO GET BILLED FOR FUN FROM THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT INSURANCE?!
Mind you I have a regular Doctor for this but they also think I’ll be fine living with these damn Polyps since they aren’t growing. I HAD TO LITERALLY CALL HIM FOR RECOMMENDATION ON A SURGEON AFTER THE ER DEBACLE! Oh btw if the polyps gets bigger its potential to be CANCER! Like why would I want to live like this and wake up to CANCER? Like why?
Also, if you do choose to live like this you have to have a crazy diet. No fats or cholesterol food. I literally lost 20+ lbs. That’s cool and all but sometimes when the pain hits me for a week some of those days I don’t eat. More like I can’t. My body refuses. I get so nauseated. And acid is everywhere. And omg your sides feels likes there’s a mass that’s about to explode and it’s stabbing the shit out of your insides.
Anyways I’m going to try and talk the surgeon soon. I can’t take it anymore. Before I was ok keeping it since the pain only last a day. It has been months now and the pain is longer and it is more painful than before. I am so scared of surgery since I never had one. I don’t like not having control and not seeing things. I’m so scared to not wake up. I’ve read some ppl journey here who had gallbladder issues, some gave me hope but others gave me more of my fears. Idk how to feel about this decision. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK. I WANT TO EAT REGULAR FOOD.
I’m ranting here instead. I’ve been stuck at home for quite a while now. I don’t really talk to ppl and my circle of friends is low. I mostly talk to my wife. But I need another outlet.
im young yet my body feels rotten and wasted like it’s already decaying ready to just become dust. i hate being pointed out that im young as if that means i must be perfectly healthy. i hate feeling like my body has failed me and im not like others. i hate my body and i hate myself
So I made a Ko-fi! Though since I’m actually avoiding coffee for auto-immune/lupus reasons, the funds will probably go to health costs. Dental work, meds, glasses, doc visits, the custom inserts for my feet that I should’ve been getting yearly to avoid needing surgery on them again… o-o’’ I’ve got a lot going on. Heh.
But yeah! I added a Ko-fi button to my page. :)
Speaking of this page, the layout is really lackluster, eh? Are there any particular themes that you prefer for easy browsing? Or does everyone only see posts on their dash anyway?
friendly reminder that being disabled is a full-time job. don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not working when you are physically incapable. you work harder than anyone else just to keep up with your day-to-day life.
My health is not good since a long long time and therefore i am almost confined to my home.
Yesterday afternoon I had some severe cardiac problem to add to it all, and so i am advised complete bed rest for a week by the doctors.
I am advised to stay away from my computer too but I am so used to blogging and all your love and support that I will not be able to stay away from blogging…
Still watching this youtube channel about what I can only describe as “Dark Classical art” and this one absolutely floored me because I was unaware of it and I want to share it because it changes my perspective on this artist completely.
You might be aware of Louis Wain. If not by name then by his art. He’s the artist behind that series of cat drawings that slowly became more and more abstract and bizarre.
This series of paintings of cats are often labelled as a visual representation of Wain’s deteriorating mental illness and schizophrenia. Even more so often labelled as “a tragic display of a painter’s failing battle with schizophrenia.”
The paintings look like this and were painted around the very early 1900s.
Ok got all that?
So here’s the thing.
Although Wain did suffer from a mental illness that was strong enough for him to be institutionalized, his mental illness was never diagnosed with clear certainty. Although “Schizophrenia” is so heavily applied to him based purely on how his series of paintings LOOK, despite actual specialists widely disputing this. On top of this, although he did paint the kaleidoscope cat portraits during this time, it was not the only things he painted, and he was quite capable of painting “normal” pictures of cats.
The Kaleidoscope Cat portraits are more images of him experimenting with colour and shapes, something the Smithsonian themselves state on their website.
Wain had actually made his entire living painting whimsical images of cats, often for product adverts, before he was incarcerated and was actually a very beloved artist at the time. When his friends learned of his incarceration, they started a collection of donation money to help transfer Wain to the Bethlam Royal Hospital instead, one of the best mental health facilities of the time. Even the Prime Minster of the time donated, and they raised a large amount of money across England to help him.
4 years later, Wain drew this as his final image which he released publicly
I knew all about “the Schizophrenic cat Guy” but he had always been presented to me as some tragic case of an artist going mad and his skills and work unraveling as he went insane.
Which is why I wanted to share this information which was new to me. And because I think it’s important.
[ ID: a series of six paintings, that go from a cute, average looking cat to a more abstract, colorful picture.
Then, a painting of three, very cute cats together, likely singing, as they hold a thin book in their paws, smiling. There’s a bush behind them.
Lastly, a simple, almost colorless drawing of an adorable cat’s face, as it smiles widely. Below it, reads: “I am happy because people love me”. End ID ]
