#dear diary

A belated, but completely still relevant list of things I learned in 2013, and the lessons I plan to take into 2014. Beware… she’s long…

Dear 2013..

**Social Media is NOT real life. Don’t confuse FB friends with actual friendship. Instagram likes with people actually liking you, or Twitter followers with people actually caring what you have to say in 140 characters.  The small print of social media sites reads; they just want to be all in your business. 
#2014: Time to trim the fat. Delete delete delete.

**There will never be brown tights. Like, ever. I’ve come to terms with it. Somethings will never change.
#2014#blackgirlproblems

**Girls are crazy. No, seriously. The moment you walk in the door, they love you or they hate you. They want to be you, they like your pictures but hate your guts, talk about each other over wine, steal boyfriends, walk pass you in the hall without speaking,  give advice they’d never adhere to, vow to never speak to each other again, then go out to dinner or the club. Fight, with no reason to, and often keep are fueled off of drama that doesn’t exist or they would never confront each other about. We call each other every name in the book, and then are best friends on Tuesday and enemies Friday. So, until we find a pill for the female races craziness, let’s try and act like ladies. Ladies.
#2014: Women aren’t natural enemies, we’ve just been taught to believe that. Keep it classy ladies.

**Count Your Blessings. I tried a bunch of new things last year, and each time got very close but always came up short. And as I looked around, I’d wonder why or how other seemed to get things that I thought I deserved. I quickly realized how wrong I was. How easy it is to lose sight of our many blessings, worried about what the next person has. If it’s meant for you, you’ll know it.
“Cultivate the habit of being grateful.” #2014

**Value each moment, because death is real, and can come out of nowhere. Some absolutely wonderful people were called home to glory this year, each time it was more and more unexpected. Value the moments you have folks, because this is a precious life we are given.
#2014: Care more, laugh more, love more…

**There are still super awesome people in this world. Like seriously. I had my doubts, but I managed to meet people I completely adore in 2013. To every single new person I’ve met this year, thanks for opening your heart and mind up to me, all of me. If you’re still here in 2014, I   promise not to eff it up.

**Have I told you lately, that I love you? Mom and Dad, why  thank goodness there is just one of me right? Love you both. Family, near and far. I love you all. Friends, my main girls (and guys) since the CSUSB days, I haven’t seen you in a while, but I think of you often. I owe you. Everlasting friendships since college, time can never break. I’m a thug, and don’t party in my feelings, but I owe it to folks to say I love you a little more. And I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know.  To the strangers that turned into cowrokers, and to the nights that made those cowrokers my friends and people I love forever. Thank you. And where the party at tho?

**That blouse still doesn’t go with those shoes. I mean, that won’t change in 2014 either, boo.
#2014 Remember: Color Pattern Texture & Shine.

**Dance is still everything. I renewed my love affair with dance this year. Moving through five different shows. Teaching when I can.  Left one team, joined two. Kept dancing.  Auditioned and auditioned and auditioned. Kept growing. Still growing.  Still dancing.
#2014 They say dance like no one is watching. No dance like everyone is watching. And kill it. Weeerk.

**Sometimes you got to pat yourself on the back. Don’t hold your breath waiting for your job or the world  to acknowledge you with a gold sticker and a high five. Most of the time it’ll never happen. Trust me. Believe in yourself, know that you are giving 100%, and reward yourself.
#2014 “Some times you, have to encourage, yourself.”

**Things change. And that’s ok. I spent quite a bit of last year, trying to figure out why things weren’t exactly how I wanted, or rather, how it had been in the past. Little did I know that change is inevitable. Change is good. But growth is even better. There is so much awesome out there, and it may not be what you’re used to, but it can be just what you need.

**Do you. Simply stated. There is never going to be a better version of you. I’ve learned that stepping away from the crowd sometimes gives you a clearer vision of reality.  It’s so easy to get lost in what other people are doing, that you lose sight of yourself, and the person God called you to be. I’m slowly allowing myself to appreciate all that am. Good, bad and in between. And I’m kinda dope. I’m still very much a hot mess, but I’m working on that it lol.
#2014  “Auditions are being held for you to be yourself, apply within.” “A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.” – Oscar Wilde

Last but not least, its 2014, and you are here, reading this. So you have a reason to celebrate.

XO

-kb

i take hiatuses from my writing fairly often. i was on one for the last few months. i leave my art and get distracted by other things for days or weeks or months. sometimes i’m out doing things. living, experiencing. other times, i’m spending time with a different art form or a different hobby. maybe i’m spending more time with my camera, maybe i’m reading, maybe i’m catching up on tv, maybe i’m learning something new. and when i look back and realize i’ve left writing behind, i often get frustrated with myself. why didn’t i just keep doing it? why did i just abandon it like so many times before that? but i have to remind myself, all that time spent doing other things has value. i’m gathering experiences, memories, inspiration, or new skills to come back with when i start writing again. or, maybe whatever is inside me needs to be created in another way. maybe it’s something that can only be expressed through visual art, or through music or through connection with other people. whatever the reason, i’m never abandoning art. i’m always returning after a long journey with something new to say.

My local queer community had a social event with music last night, and everyone,unprompted,sang along when Bohemian Rhapsody came on

The light’s just right at the moment to show how my dragon eye does that

The HDMI Law: IT’S ALWAYS UPSIDE DOWN

Good morning, Nina

Hello Bruno.

I never catch a cold, I immediately catch my death.

My main band bish, Stonethrower, recorded a live EP last weekend …well, re-recorded. The first time, I’d moaned about it ‘not sounding tight enough’ and being ‘all over the place’. Ross (guitarist and pretty good at putting microphones in front of things) argued back that it was supposed to be an honest representation of the band. My mind, deeply entrenched in the idea that a recording should be the best possible representation of the band, fought the concept.

I don’t know why, because that’s clearly how they did it back in the day. People just stood in a room with their instruments and magic happened.

Then the machines came and made audio like clay …and if you could mold it so easily, why not make it perfect?  

All I really wanted was everything overdubbed, with a click etc. But noooo. We weren’t going to do it that way, and the neggy-ass vibes of our disagreement fouled the air.

The stank stayed in that practice space for about 5 hours as we churned out the meat and bones of this EP, take after take. We were all a little pissed (and a little pissed) and I guess it translated to tape, because I could hear it. Like ‘Damn, they must’ve been pretty pissed when they recorded that.’, and that was before we got the vocal overdubs in.

As Cal planted his feet into the floor and bellowed into the SM7B I’d brought up for ‘light use’, it dawned on me that we hadn’t really needed the metronome.

More to follow.

Haven’t posted anything for a while, Lost all interest in everything. Literally takes all my energy to make it through the day without falling apart. 

Dear Diary,

I feel like I was born to be hated.

Dear ▇▇▇,

You were so kind before they dragged you to hell.

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to die but I need this to end.

Dear ▇▇▇,

You have no idea how many nights I’ve spent crying over you. We used to talk everyday but now I can barely remember what your voice sounds like, you don’t answer my texts either. You only ever speak to me when you need to vent, I feel so used. That doesn’t matter, I still love you even if it’s wrong ❦

Dear Diary,

Why do people forget about me so fast?

Dear Diary,

I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve buried my dreams so deep within myself no amount of self harm could ever carve them out.

Dear Diary,

I don’t think I was meant to live.

Dear Diary,

Why do I feel so much?

Dear Diary,

Living with memory loss is hard, I can’t reminisce about my childhood, I can hardly experience nostalgia. At least I get to make new, happy memories everyday. That’s the only thing that makes me happy and that’s enough for me.

Dear Diary,

She called me an angel with slit wrists.

Dear ▇▇▇,

The way you give me attention and affection so unpredictably makes me miss you even more. Everytime I see your name pop up on my screen I immediately forget how miserable I feel and become even more desperate for you. Can you feel it too, the kind of pain made out of real love?

Dear Diary,

I exist to be consumed by others, I live only to be used.

Dear Diary,

I find it so funny when people tell me “it’s all in your head” , uh ya that’s kind of the problem.

Dear Diary,

You know those times when there’s a really significant event in your life and so your abuser reaches out to you but you have to be nice to protect yourself?

Dear Diary,

I am greatful for my depression. If I hadn’t experienced such awful things in life then I would never know true happiness.

Dear Diary,

Apparently I’m too young to know abuse.

Dear Diary,

I was stupid for believing I could accomplish anything, my pathetic life isn’t heading anywhere.

Entry number three: Emptiness

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to continue living but I don’t want to die.

Entry number two: Anger

Dear Diary,

happy fucking new year. Everyone’s talking about new year’s resolutions and getting a chance at a fresh start but I don’t know if that’s even an option for me. I understand the importance of moving forward with life but how can I simply let go of my past? Your past is what shapes you, your life experiences help you grow as a person. Sometimes holding on to something can cause more damaging than letting go but I can’t abandon my past self. Although the few memories that I have are quite melancholic I still feel a sense of comfort looking back at my childhood. One of the reasons why I write this is to help myself remember incase I forget. The entirety of my childhood is extremely blurry, I only know as much as I do about my past because of files on me, medical records, videos, pictures, old journals and stories other people have told me. I can’t really experience nostalgia because I barely have anything to look back on. It feels like there’s something very important that I don’t remember, it’s like I’m missing something. According to professionals my memory loss was likely caused by something traumatic, I know that by blocking out my memories my brain is protecting me but if something that horrible happened that it caused me lose my memory I would like to know. I feel so awful, it’s because of a past event that I can’t let go. Why should I have to feel bad? I was just a child, I still am just a child and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was helpless, small and terrified, I know exactly who to blame. I’m done feeling inferior and scared all the time I’m fucking angry now. He is the reason that I’m so fucked up. He’s the reason why I constantly feel like something’s missing. He is one if the main causes of my addiction. He is why I’m stuck in the past. He is the source of my issues. He can live without any consequences while I’m stuck like this, normally I would never wish ill intentions on someone but he deserves it. I want him to hurt like I hurt. I want him to know what it feels like to be small, weak and terrified. If I really take the time to think about it, the overwhelming rage that I feel is pointless, what can I possibly do now? These are the kinds if things that make me wish I was never born.

Entry number one: Introduction

Dear Diary,

I’m lost. I’ve been struggling with mental health issues and trauma ever since I can remember, living is a chore. It all started when I was -actually scratch that- since I was born everything pretty much went to shit, I basically grew up in the hospital. When I wasn’t in the hospital I was at school where I would get bullied every single day, to add to that the teachers and staff were physically abusive. The worst part of that was I couldn’t even tell anybody because I wasn’t able to soeak the language that was being taught, if I were to speak my native language I would be punished. It was awful. The only place left where I could feel safe was at home but I guess that was too much to ask for from my deadbeat dad. Luckily I was never physically hit or abused at home but I’d be lying if I told you I grew up in a happy household. I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad thing but I can’t remember most of my childhood, according to doctors I have trauma induced memory loss along with other diagnoses. I know you’re probably thinking “She’s just trying to be edgy and shit, what an attention whore”. Before you make any assumptions about me know that I’m professionally diagnosed, not that there’s anything wrong with being self diagnosed. Just because some stupid kids decided that having depression is quirky it doesn’t give people the right to invalidate others mental illnesses. All that to say if you have any negative opinions about me or my blog please keep them to yourself, I’m not writing all of this shit to start drama. I’m writing this because I want people to have something they relate too and know that they’re not alone, that and it’s my only healthy coping mechanism. Just so we’re clear, I’m not looking for anyone’s pity. That said I can barely think anymore i’ll write to you hopefully tomorrow.