C: Yes, me and the lady robot are going to fit on your tiny fucking sofa.
D:Ah, so you understand the activities!
C:She’s going in your room.
D:Alright alright!
Derek was cackling. Not that I could blame him. The knot in my chest eased slightly at how quickly he went from compassion to giving me shit. He didn’t show me pity, didn’t make me feel broken.
Even if I wasn’t laughing, something clicked. Moving across the fucking world was worth it.
Derek’s version of flirting was apparently smiling politely while the waitress flirted with him. But while we waited on food I figured I should come clean on everything. Give him an idea of just how fucked I was mentally.
A: I thought Isla told you it was a one time thing.
C: Arthur. I need a real fucking answer.
A: … I told you not to marry her…
C:Fuck!
That wasn’t the answer I expected. Never in all my life did I think he’d say that. He’d only said it outright once… The morning of the wedding… Fucking hell.
A: What about your ring?
C: Don’t tell me it means something to you now.
I: You’ve been quiet the past few days… I’m glad you’ve stopped drinking.
Isla kept talking even when I didn’t say anything back. She always did that. I used to love it but the past four days it had wore on every nerve I’d had left.
I:Where’s your ring?
C: I’ll put it back on if the paternity test proves the kid is mine.
She didn’t have the chance to say a word before the doctor came in.
And a few days later I had my answer.
Derek: Fuckin OOF! … So the kid wasn’t yours?
I shook my head, avoiding looking up from my water.
I sat on the plane. Fuck I hated planes. Not so luckily Isla’s words served as a distraction for the usual nerves I felt in a plane. A long ass flight to get my fucked up thoughts in line. But I got what I wanted in the divorce: no alimony, she got full custody, I got a clean break.
No more tears.
No more love.
Everyone can stay an arm’s length away.
This is a reset.
America is fucking massive.
D:How’s my favorite bassist?
Derek pulled me from staring at skyscrapers.
C:Fucking exhausted but here.
D:Understandable.
D:First thing’s first, let’s get food. You’re probably starved from airplane food and I know a place nearby. I’ll buy. I enjoy flirting with the waitresses there.
Derek’s tone was constantly joking. It made him hard to dislike. Had I been in a better mood I may have laughed at him.
C:I’ll pay you back.
D:Not with cash you won’t. I need a song. Besides you’re probably broke from all the bullshit.
C:I wish you were wrong… But playing for you seems a fair trade.
D:Thought so… Whenever you want to talk, I’m here for you. You can tell me everything if you want or we can pretend it never happened.
Phoebe grabbed my arm the second she saw me, yanking me back to the toilets. I fumbled after her. Even sober I couldn’t keep my feet under me very well. It made me wonder why I hadn’t gotten a drink before.
I should have brought a flask.
P:Some effort would have been nice. Honestly, a lawyer can only do so much when you show up like this. What were you thinking?
Marty followed behind. I didn’t meet his eyes.
C: I don’t really care what happens…
M: Yes you do.
C: No. I don’t.
Phoebe yanked my jacket from my grasp and handed it to Marty while she poked and prodded my face and hair.
P:You look like death.
C:And it can take me.
M:You don’t mean that.
C: Yes. I do.
I looked at Marty. I shouldn’t have. All I saw was pity.
C: What, Marty? Worried your fiancee will cheat too?
M:No. I’m worried about my brother! Have you met him? Warm, kind, worth looking up to!
C:Reality hit. There’s nothing left.
I growled the words at him.
P: Enough. Button your shirt.
C: Arthur wouldn’t.
I hated his name. Hated myself. Hated everything. I was nothing. Not even worth Marty’s pity, no matter how much it ripped me open. He’d never look up to me again. My father’s eyes matched his.
P:Button your fucking shirt Cal.
The second we walked out I saw her and my insides hollowed out, dragging me down deeper than I thought possible.
She was wearing that dress… I bought her that dress.
This was a bad idea. I knew that. It was March, I had to go to court tomorrow. I was going to be emotional enough. I needed one question answered. Or maybe I didn’t. But fuck if I could make my mind stop asking it. Whatever the answer though, I needed to move forward. Derek’s text message lived in my head. One last question answered and then the big reset.
I:Hey baby…
I never wanted to be called that ever again.
C: Don’t call me that.
I:You look terrible. How much weight have you lost?
C: Doesn’t matter.
I: Are you trying to stop the divorce?
C: No… Fuck no… I need to know why.
I: What do you mean?
C: Are you fucking kidding me? Why cheat? Why with Arthur? Why marry me at all? I know it started before the wedding.
I: Oh, what? Like you’re a prize!
C:I never cheated on you.
I:No, why would you?! You got everything you wanted.
I:It was the same, day in and day out. So fucking predictable. Even in bed. Oh my god! I could have fallen asleep so many times.
C:You never complained…
I: Oh and risk setting off your depression?
C:I would have listened… I could have done better.
I: Just face it Cal! You couldn’t have done better. You are the most boring man I’ve ever met! The only perk to being with you was that you might be a good parent. At the very least you’d be useful in getting the kid to sleep! I pity whoever ends up in bed with you next. She’ll have to become a master at faking it!
As soon as she was done shouting, silence fell. I felt the pain, grief and rage deep, but I shoved everything down further. It hurt too much and shouting at her wouldn’t help. I didn’t want to feel anymore.
C: I have been boring but at least I was honest. Goodbye Isla.
Begin|<<Previous TW: cursing, sexual themes, illness, manipulation
Syd:
R: I say we get the little guy laid!
Happy Birthday to meeee… The tour was almost over and Roman had spent it treating me like his protege. I was not a fan. Never meet your heroes I guess.
M:Can we treat the man like the adult he is, please?
J:Syd, what do you want to do?
Thank fuck for the other band members. Roman one on one was a royal asshole of the highest order and he seemed to pride himself on it. Milla, Vera, and Sophie were off dancing with each other, smart enough to stay away. Sophie seemed pale today but she said nothing. I figured if it were bad she’d talk to me.
S: I don’t know. Drinks, music, whatever?
I:On it!
R: No no no. The man needs to get himself some pussy.
M: I guess your mouth has to be that big since you constantly shove your boot in it.
Marcus was facepalming, Ivan was getting drinks. Rebuffing Roman was an art the two had perfected.
R: Fuck you Marcus.
T:I need a fucking drink.
Milla:
M: You okay?
S:Yeah, I’m good.
M:You are a god awful liar Sophie.
She had been pale all day. The timeline was off and she had spent the past year getting progressively worse. I was not the comforting type but Vera had been easily distracted by Grumpy McDumbass. God, fuck Roman. And honestly, what the hell did Vera see in him?
S:I’m good. Go have fun.
M: Sophie, one day very soon you are going to need to see a doctor about this.
S:It’s nothing.
No, no it was not. I kept my mouth shut though. Words of compassion were not my thing.
Syd:
S:Do you think we should tell anyone about us?
I spoke softly. I didn’t have to worry about the others hearing or seeing us but Ty seemed to have that effect on me. Roman and Vera had disappeared together and Ty’s reaction had been hard to read. Jesse, Ivan, and Marcus were up at the bar swapping stories and drinking heavily, kind of a send off for Marcus. Milla and Sophie had tapped out for the night. Milla said she was sick of the bar scene.
T:Fuck no. Think of how the guys will react Syd. No one is going to accept you.
S:Oh…
T: Besides, don’t you like sneaking around with me?
Soaked in the neon glows Silver forked tongues talking to you in the digital snow A glitch in the chain, a loop in the brain You wanted to break, but you still wanna play the game
We’re not gonna be a commodity Not another maggot in the feed that you’re gonna eat Motherfucker, you can try ARTIFICIAL SUICIDE
Tumblr@staff have been silent about the use of this site by white nationalist bloggers, while numerous other sites (see this post) have made actions to ban nazis/white nationalists/”alt-right”/fascists. Tumblr needs to know their lack of action is unacceptable. I love my tumblr community and want to stay, but if this continues, I will have to considering leaving.
I suggest we push back, and unite to boycott on a certain date. I’m arbitrarily suggesting September 1st - it’s nine days from this post, and that gives it enough time to hopefully get spread as far as possible. Boycotts only work if lots of people do it. Please consider joining me and logging off tumblr on September 1st, to let them know we’re serious about their apathy towards white nationalism.
Great idea.
Let’s also let @staff know that as they’re trying to increase advertiser spend, they should be well-aware of most ad tech companies (on the buy and sell side) have explicit rules against hate speech. You can tell Tumblr is aware of this because they’ve doubled-down on trying to locate the NSFW posts (quite badly based on how their technology fails so often) for what I imagine is brand safety for advertisers.
Given groups like Sleeping Giants has been successful in amplifying the voices of users protesting brands appearing on Breitbart, any other platform could be next in having their advertisers signaled with a screenshot of said posts where hate speech is proudly displayed against an ad served… well, you get the drift.
1.) Boycott
2.) Screenshot and tweet, byeeeeee
this is the one thing that might have an effect. all our @staff and emails and million-note posts don’t do shit, so hit ‘em where it hurts - their wallets.
one day - no posts, no replies, no hits. stay off tumblr. September 1st.
Just letting all of my 3 followers know I’ll be participating in Art Fight this year! It’s my first year, so please be nice to me. But if you attack me expect me to beat the shit out of you <3
Low-key forgot Tumblr existed but here’s some messages that were exchanged in my dnd group’s discord server tonight (names of players and player characters censored for privacy)
Update! We just got done with our session zero and the entire party agreed that I *needed* to be at their table?? I asked for confirmation and the players were like “yeah if the dm said that you shouldn’t be at the table we’d probably quit” and I was like “damn WTF”
I wore the coat outside among the general public today for the first time. I got a total of 4 compliments on the coat alone, and even got to tell someone in my shit hole town about Heartless at the craft store. So overall? A win.
Y'know, it’s funny. All the characters I relate to the most are either Fancypants McGideon or Daddy Issues. But then there’s that one little oddball who’s a serial murderer with a kill count in the hundreds of thousands.
