Bill Denbrough

stan, about the losers: your existence is confusing

bill: how so?

stan: your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me

richie: can I have a piece of cake from the fridge?

mike: what’s the rule?

richie, sighing: no cake after dinner…

mike: no that’s Ben’s rule. my rule is that you need to bring me a slice too

bill: what’s the first thing you notice when a man approaches you?

bev: the audacity

richie: sorry mom, called you by accident

maggie: that’s okay, had you by accident

eddie: will you all stop accusing me of having favorites? I like all you bills and non-bills equally.

bill: I want a hot drink

richie: I wanna pee

richie: I guess we share similar interests

bill: no we fuCKING DONT

bev: ace of spades!

stan, plays an uno card: draw four!

ben, plays a sorry card: sorry not sorry, back to start.

richie: pikachu! I choose you!

mike: WHAT ARE WE EVEN PLAYING

ben: my parents thought I didn’t know about the birds and the bees

richie: lmao what’s that

ben:

eddie, angrily: that’s it

bill:what

eddie: you’re officially uninvited to my wedding

bill: you mean our wedding?

eddie: yes that would be correct, you’re not coming

bill: how would that even work

eddie: how do I make a date really romantic?

bev: try being mysterious

eddie: got it

(later with stan)

stan: so where are we going?

eddie: none of your fucking business

mike, entering his room: *turns on the lights* ah! how did you get in here?!

richie, on the bed sipping a caprisun: someone said gay beetlejuice three times and I magically appeared.

richie, head in stan’s lap: tell me I’m pretty?

stan, lovingly looking down at him: you’re pretty fucking annoying, is what you are

richie, dramatically falling in ben’s arms: I don’t know how much longer I’ve got…

ben: at the rate you’re bleeding? decades.

bev: has anyone seen bill?

bill, lying facedown on the floor:present

stan: do you understand the problem now that I’ve explained it to you for 15 minutes

bev:yes

stan: are you lying to me

bev, voice cracking:yes

richie: I can’t find my phone

mike: I’ll call it for you

richie no wait-

richie’s phone: you are my dad YOU’RE MY DAD boogie woogie woogie

mike:

richie: I can explain

ben: now I know you dont like to relinquish control-

eddie:come on! relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!

eddie: are you wearing makeup? where did your freckles go?

richie: huh? oh no, winter just makes my freckles fade, eds

eddie: I see…

(later)

eddie, beating the snow with a shovel while angrily mumbling: give. him. back. his. freckles. you. bitch.

bill: welcome to dumb boyfriends anonymous, where we talk about how dumb we are and work on it or something

bill: I’ll start. today my boyfriend tried to hold my hand and i got scared and screamed. who wants to go next?

eddie: someone tried to talk to my boyfriend so I set off the fire alarm

bill: congratulations, you win the weekly prize for worst story ever

eddie: I get it every week, it’s not special anymore

bill: well maybe you should be LEARNING FROM THIS

richie: getting a brain scan today, boys

stan: to check if you have one?

richie: thank you so much for your concern and support, Stanley.