The way I realized I was aro was when I would like get paranoid that people I knew were romantically into me and like imagine what I would say if they asked me out, even tho I said I wanted to be in a relationship. And then I was like wait what if I never end up with someone and that I was like would that really be so bad. Taking the pressure of having to be in a relationship out of my life made it so much easier to be happy.
“asexuality isnt queer/lgbt/mogai on its own because heteromantic asexuals dont face homophobia”
it’s true that heteromantic aces dont face homophobia, and they certainly dont have room to reclaim certain slurs, but let’s not act like cishet ppl [and i mean heteromantic heterosxual cis ppl, not ‘cishet aces’] are all fine and dandy with asexuality as long as you’re still heteromantic.
“We provide the first empirical evidence of intergroup bias against asexuals (the so-called “Group X”), a social target evaluated more negatively, viewed as less human, and less valued as contact partners, relative to heterosexuals and other sexual minorities. Heterosexuals were also willing to discriminate against asexuals (matching discrimination against homosexuals).”
“In our recent paper (MacInnis & Hodson, in press), we found that those who disliked homosexuals also disliked bisexuals and asexuals. In other words, these prejudices are correlated. Heterosexuals who dislike one sexual minority, therefore, also dislike other sexual minorities, even though some of these groups are characterized by their sexual interest and activity and others by their lack of sexual interest and activity.”
Again, no mention of romantic orientation. the lack or sexual attraction itself was enough to warrant discrimination and dehumanization.
Heteronormativity values heteromantic heterosexuality first and foremost. Any deviation from that is met with disdain, discrimination, violence, and dehumanization. Any negative bias a person holds towards an asexual person isn’t going to magically disappear if the person says they’re heteroromantic.
tl;dr: asexual ppl are discriminated against and face violence for being ace, and there is date to support this, from studies and personal accounts. No ace has the same privileges and power a heteromantic heterosexual has, and lumping heteromantic aces with straight ppl is disingenuous at best and dangerous at worst
Don’t forget this same study showed that showed that people within the LBGT community are just as likely to dehumanize and hate asexuals. It’s not just heterosexuals. The LGBT community can have just as much ingroup bias. Biphobia, panphobia, and acephobia are the biggest ones, and according to this study done by Brock University, asexuals actually receive the most hatred from both heterosexuals and other sexual minorities.
True, heteroromantic asexuals don’t suffer homophobia and don’t know what that’s like. But they do know what it’s like to be told there’s something unnatural, inhuman, and wrong about you.
Gentle reminder that memes and inside jokes relating to human identity, such as race, gender, sexuality, ableness, neurodivergency, etc. don’t always apply to everyone in that ingroup, and if you don’t relate to all the fun jokes in a community, your identity is still valid. People are complex and one person with that identity may not share the same experiences and feelings as another. I think that makes every person so special and a point to be celebrated.
Strap yourselves in lads, this is gonna be a long one. So, you want to be an alloaro ally, but you don’t know how to start or what to avoid. Lets talk about it.
This post is going to be split up into two sections. Allyship for Alloromantic Allosexuals (Alloallo’s)andAllyship for Fellow Aspecs (Aroaces, Alloaces, Non-Sam Aces, etc). This is also going to be a relatively long post so just keep that in mind. Anyway, lets get started.
Allyship For Alloallo’s
So, you’re someone who isn’t a part of the aspec community looking to be an alloaro ally? Epic, lets get you started on the right track! Being an alloaro ally is pretty easy once you break things down, so here are some base level tips for you to consider.
Acknowledge Our Terminology
Yes, we do have terminology that should be used more often when refering to us. Its common for people to use “Non-Asexual Aromantic” when refering only to alloaros, and while that term is more inclusive of other identities such as Non-Sam aro’s, its important to be mindful of when you are using it. If you are refering to Non-Sam, Neu, and Alloaros, the term is fine. If you are refering to Alloaros specifically, its better to use Allosexual Aromantic.
Include Us In General Pride
The aspec community is part of the LGBT community, no matter what some people may think. What this means, is that you need to include us in general pride activism. Simply having the asexual flag on a pride post and not an aromantic flag is not enough. It would be even better if you mentioned alloaro’s in general pride post. We are here, and we are a part of the community, so if you are going to advocate for pride you need to advocate for us.
Combat Alloarophobia
Alloaro’s are not predatory. Alloaro’s are not players. We aren’t out to manipulate people into having sex with us, and the idea that sexual attraction devoid of romantic attraction is somehow impure or wrong is extremely alloarophobic. Fight back against any sort of suggestions that alloaros are immoral or dirty or harmful to other LGBT members for their sexual attraction.
Listen To Alloaro Voices
If an alloaro calls you out on something thats made them uncomfortable, don’t bite back like its an attack. Listen to us, and work with us on the issue. You might have meant well, but caused a simple misunderstanding, in which case this will be a learning experience. Just because we voice our opinions on representation and issues in our community, doesn’t mean we are directly attacking you over something.
Allyship For Fellow Aspecs
So, you’re part of the aspec community but not alloaro? Maybe you’re Asexual, Alloace specifically? Or Aroace? No matter what you identify as, the next few sections are a good basis for you to start on your track to proper alloaro allyship. Alright, lets get started shall we?
Recognize Aspec Community Attitudes
Lets get the big one out of the way first. If you are going to be an alloaro ally you need to acknowledge the fact that a predominantly sex negative attitude in the aspec community is harmful to us. It should never be assumed that any aspec identity is going to relate to sex negativity or sex repulsion. Its extremely alienating when this attitude is the norm in our community. The best way to address this is to stop ignoring it like it doesn’t exist. A good way to do that, is the next suggestion.
Tag Sex Negative Language
Just like how sex mentions are tagged so that sex negative and sex repulsed aspecs can filter them out, sex negative language should also be tagged. Imagine for a second that you’re in the shoes of an alloaro. Seeing post after post about how sex is “gross” or bad can really start to make you feel like your attraction is invalid in your own community. Being able to filter out those kinds of discussions would greatly benifit alloaros who don’t need to be constantly told that what they feel is somehow wrong or filthy.
Combat Predatory Claims
Just like with above, posts claiming that alloaro’s are predatory or that anyone who feels sexual attraction is predatory are extremely harmful. Whenever you get the chance, combat those attitudes. If you see a post talking about how allosexuals are predatory or esspecially about how having alloaros in aspec spaces might be “uncomfortable” for aces or other aspecs, speak out against it immediately.
Include Us In Your Activitism
This seems obvious right? Well, unfortunately despite this being pretty straightforward, its not very common. Lets make this clear. If you are going to make a post about aromantic activism, you need to include alloaros. If you are going to make a post about aspec activism, you need to include alloaros. This doesn’t just mean mentioning us either. It is not enough to have a mention of alloaros delivered by lets say, an aroace. You need to actively include us in your planning and leadership if you plan on advocating for us. End of story.
Acknowledge The Differences In Our Issues
If you are going to make a post about aromantic erasure in the community, make note of the differences between aroace and alloaro erasure. There are BIG differences between the two and its far to common to see other aspecs assume that general aromantic erasure is representative of all aromantic identities. If you are unsure of the differences, you can find out by ->
Meeting Us Halfway
We have resources out there. Sure they may be less organized then other aspec identities resources but they are out there. It extremely tiring having to constantly educate others on alloaro issues and terminology and thats something I am sure all aspecs can relate to. Do your research, browse the alloaro tag, TALK to us before you go around advocating for us and talking about alloaro issues.
Congrats Jaiden!! I’m so proud that she was able to come out publicly :0
And to anyone who found out about Aros and Aces through her video, Welcome!
The a-spectrum has been pretty looked over for a long time with many not even knowing we exist. It’s a very common story for aspecs, even I only discovered the identity a few years ago!
I’m so glad such a large youtuber (and one of my favourites) has been public with their aspec identity. Hopefully this will lead to many more aspecs discovering a refuge in this community. I mean the aromantic tag was in the top 5 for a while, everyone say thank you to Jaiden :P
The aspec community is here to welcome anyone who needs a refuge, even if you do find a different label later down the line.
There’s lots to discover and learn in this community so if you’re interested have a look around and learn something new :D
“Ace people can want and have sex!” directly throws people who actually don’t want sex under the bus.
And when I talk about asexuals feeling like they have to sleep with someone, or feeling like they should have sex they aren’t interested in, I don’t even fuckin believe in asexuality. So I’m not talking about your twitter mutual who is “asexual” but fucks like a rabbit. I’m talking about people who have a low, almost nonexistent, libido for whatever reason who are having sex for others rather than themselves. And I fuckin specified that.
Those people are out there, and all the people who wanna be fuckin special are actively harming them by pushing the idea that it’s totally okay to sleep with people you aren’t attracted to.
There are people out there who need to be told it’s okay to not have sex. Need to be told it’s okay to be celibate. Need to be told it’s okay to seek out a romantic relationship with someone who is gonna be okay or even happy with never having sex again.
“You can have sex” is not fucking revolutionary. It’s not helping anyone. Especially a group that is mostly female; it’s not helpful to tell them they can have sex out of obligation to their partner (typically a boyfriend).
Why is it always the people who may actually face hardship who get tossed tf out by these oh so woke queers?
The idea that “asexual” people can have sex just to satisfy their partner and that’s an okay good thing never sat right with me, but it actually terrifies me now.
Why would their partner want that? I can’t think of a reason that you would choose to have sex your partner doesn’t want if you love them. I can’t think of one.
It’s different from “one of us is in the mood, one of us isn’t, but we’ll both get there” (even though that can be an iffy way of going about things sometimes)
Like, how I feel about asexuality itself is irrelevant here. Let’s just follow the logic:
Your partner doesn’t like sex
Is not attracted to you
Does not get aroused how the average person does, at the very least
May not get aroused at all
May or may not get any enjoyment out of actual sex
You know all this
You still sleep with them
You still ask for sex
You cannot love someone if this is how you treat them. I see it as predatory behavior.
