I know, baby, I really tired you out, didn’t I? You might want to keep that in mind next time when you ask me to use you as if you were one of my toys… but you’re always such a good slut for me.
What? I can barely understand you, cutie. Let me clean you up and I promise I’ll lay with you. Of course I’ll hold you. I’ll always hold you. Yes, and kiss you. Duh!
You were so good. You sounded so good. Everything about you always makes me want you more. I love you.
No, no round two, I know you’re tired. That was like… four rounds, if you ask me, technically.
We can watch whatever you want. I’ll massage your wrists and get you water– okay, and I’ll put chocolate chip cookies in the oven. And play with your hair.
…Are you sure that was all good? You’re still shaking. Okay, good.
We can definitely call this a part of aftercare, but what I’m mostly talking about is helping your sub/lee/partner slowly re-emerge into their usual headspace.
Whether you’ve been tickled until you cried, bound six ways to Sunday, or fucked into another dimension, being the subject of those experiences can be intense! It is possible to get a touch of sub-drop, which can mean a lot of things. Here’s one of my favorite posts that discusses the meaning, repercussions, and aids for sub-drop. Outside of that, you may have moved into a different headspace.
What do I mean by headspace? This article has a great definition:
analtered state of consciousness within BDSM play that is used to ‘lose yourself’ in a scene. It is described as a state of mind whereby the body’s endorphins, enkephalins and adrenaline take over the mind and produce a morphine like effect… a period whereby the individual enters an altered psychological state that manifests itself into physical and emotional actions, images, feelings and thoughts that have been brought on by a dramatic increase in adrenaline and endorphin that will occur during a scene.
The purpose of this mental shift is to allow you to enjoy, endure, and engage in kink practices that would otherwise be less pleasurable or difficult to tolerate. Those chemicals in your brain and body propel you toward a stronger experience!
But when the scene ends, where does that headspace go? It doesn’t just disappear all at once, and you shouldn’t expect it to do so! Part of what that headspace does is protect you! Forcing it out quickly can mess with your head.
So for all the partners out there that like to do amazing intense things to their partner, here are some tips to guide them back out of their kink headspace:
1. If they are bound, blindfolded, wearing anything to cover their ears, or unable to access other senses, try to remove those inhibitors cautiously. It can be overwhelming to have no access to a sense or body part then suddenly be thrust into a different state with no limits.
Are they bound with cuffs, straps, rope? Detach the parts that bind them to a piece of furniture, to other parts of the set-up, etc, but don’t feel like the material needs to come off you partner immediately unless that’s communicated. The weight of the cuffs and rope around them can be comforting and grounding as they re-emerge.
If they are blindfolded or have their ears covered, try to lower noises in the room (music, tv, etc) or lights for an easier lift. Once that’s taken care of, try to maintain soft contact with them so they know where you are as you remove things. If you do lose contact, when you come back, put your hand on a safe, less vulnerable place, like the forearm or hand.
Work your way from big to small in terms of safety and comfort. For example, if your partner is bound spread eagle to the bed, blindfolded, and wearing a ball gag, consider what will need to go first for and easier re-emerging. For me, I’d want the gag out first for communication and water, detach the cuffs from the straps, then do everything else when I’m ready.
2. Taking into account how your partner reacts after an intense scene, speak to them accordingly, but gently.
Not super loud, not expecting a full-blown conversation, nothing that requires engagement beyond a few words at a time.
The fuzziness and fog that can settle over the mind, not to mention the dire need to satisfy and please a dominant partner, can be confusing and sway responses in ways that don’t actually help the scene end or the aftercare to be as effective. Simple questions, presenting 2 clear options or just yes/no questions, can help them start on independent decision-making again. “Do you want water?” and “Are you ready to cuddle, or do you need a minute?” can get their brain ready for broader questions like “What do you need?” or “Is there anything we shouldn’t do again next time?”
Speak about the scene in past tense. It can help solidify events and establish that it’s safe and okay to come back into their usual headspace. For example, if praising your partner, don’t go for “You are so good at X” but rather “You did so well.”
3. Build recovery time into your play because you cannot rush the switch in headspaces. Forcing the switch too quickly can contribute to sub-drop and taint some of the pleasant memories of the scene, making it harder to reach that headspace next time.
Consider time limits of your day. If you have to be somewhere at a particular time, work backwards from there. You need X amount of travel time + Y amount of recovery/headspace change time, so the remaining is the maximum time you should play.
Just because the scene is over and you’ve had a little cuddle and snack doesn’t mean your partner is good to go. Check in with them MORE THAN ONCE over time about how they’re feeling. Communicating clearly can be tough for a little bit as they recover blood sugar and balance out endorphins, so be patient. If you haven’t played with this partner much before and you aren’t super clear on all your baselines, as about their physical, mental, and emotional states separately to get a full report and address concerns early. Over time, you’ll probably establish more of a shorthand or they’ll just get better at offering all those stats when asked a single “How you doin’?”
But the best thing you can do is keep talking about what works and doesn’t work for you, and do so while you’re NOT engaging in kink practices. Your head needs to be in the clearest place possible to be objective, open, and honest. It doesn’t always have to be a big discussion, but try to keep asking questions and communicating, then act on those decisions. This stuff takes practice, and time, and continuous open lines of communication, so don’t give up if it doesn’t feel perfect right away!
“Aftercare isn’t something I do to you,” he says. “It’s something we do together.”
He uses me, makes me scream. He leaves me a little broken. And I surrender. I push myself closer to my limits for him.
And now that we’re done, he’s going to make sure I’m okay. He’s going to ask me how I’m feeling, remind me to breathe, assure me that his love isn’t limited to my body.
And I communicate. I do my breathing. I ease my body down, melting into his safety.
“Aftercare isn’t something I do to you,” he says. “It’s something we do together.”
He uses me, makes me scream. He leaves me a little broken. And I surrender. I push myself closer to my limits for him.
And now that we’re done, he’s going to make sure I’m okay. He’s going to ask me how I’m feeling, remind me to breathe, assure me that his love isn’t limited to my body.
And I communicate. I do my breathing. I ease my body down, melting into his safety.
I’ve seen a lot of writing on aftercare for subs, but never seen anything about Dom drop or the kind of aftercare that D-types need. Consequently, many people assume that aftercare is only necessary for subs, and many people don’t know what kind of aftercare to ask for or provide.
It’s natural to feel guilty when you’re inflicting pain or cruelty to someone you care about. And like with everybody, a lack of adequate aftercare can be discouraging or even dangerous. Here’s some aftercare talking points I tend to like hearing from my subs that you can use as jumping off points:
Reassure your Dom that everything they said and did during the scene was wanted and consensual. Go over and discuss anything that ended up being less than pleasurable or any sore spots that they hit if not.
If the scene went smoothly, reassure them that you are capable of saying no and/or using your safe word. Reassure them that despite roleplaying a loss of control, you know that you still were able to consent during your scene.
Reassure your Dom that you aren’t actually scared of them; and reassure them that you don’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of, nor do you think that they will.
Reassure your Dom that you trust them, you know that they are a responsible dominant, and that you don’t feel afraid that they will abuse their power over you.
Reassure your Dom that they are a good person, and that they are not evil or bad for exercising restrained and consensual cruelty during a scene.
Reassure your Dom that they don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying themselves when they are dominant with you, and that you enjoy your scenes with them as much as they do.
And some other things to keep in mind regarding aftercare as a whole….
Make sure you end the conversation/evening properly. Even if the Dom doesn’t experience Dom drop immediately, it’s very easy for Doms to feel used or like pleasure machines if they feel like they’ve been left hanging.
^^ Especially if you’re sexting or doing BDSM long distance! Do not stop responding without giving closure and reassuring your Dom that you’re okay! If you disappear without saying anything, it’s very possible that your Dom will get anxious and worry that they’ve upset or hurt you.
Check in later. Aftercare doesn’t always have to take place immediately after a scene, especially if they felt like they didn’t need much aftercare afterwards or you’ve had an informal scene and decided to skip it. Dom drop can still settle in a while after a scene has ended, so don’t ever assume you’re automatically on the same page and that care won’t be needed.
Make sure to always offer regardless. Nobody should ever have to ask for aftercare! Don’t assume that your Dom is okay and needs nothing just because they’re in control during your scenes.
And finally, Doms: don’t be afraid to ask for reassurance on the specific points you worry about! Subs can’t read your mind, and they can’t always know if the aftercare they’re giving is enough unless you tell them. You will not lose your submissive’s respect by asking for aftercare as long if they are committed to engaging in conscientious kink.
Stay safe, take care of each other, and practice kink responsibly! ♡
“One wrong move and you are asking to be punished.” He said. “With your ass in my lap and you counting with every spank.” He continued while smirking.
Bringing her closer to him, he whispered “And if you stop counting my love, we’ll just have to start again.” He leaned forward biting her ear while she stood there quivering with arousal. There was a glint in her eyes that made him feel all the more excited for their night to come (*wink wink*).
*Time skip*
Turns out she stopped counting four times because it was too pleasurable.
It was after the fifth time though that he stopped himself because she was so out of it. So being the caring husband he was, he laid her down gently on the silk sheets and rubbed some arnica on her cherry red ass to ease the burning. Giving her a final look, he kissed her forehead and got in bed snuggling to her closely. Calling her a good girl, he falls asleep to her even breaths coming in puffs.
I think relatively little has been written or said about aftercare in the BDSM world. You can find thousands of articles that will tell you where and how to hit someone with a cane, but many fewer that tell you what to do to her afterward. Part of this is common sense. No thoughtful lover fucks and runs in the vanilla world. Everything can be more intense in BDSM, so a little extra thought should be devoted to what happens after.
I’ll address most of these brief comments to Doms, but subs, you should remember that your Dom may need care too. While I believe it is His responsibility to take care of you, a session can be very draining and leave a Dom feeling very empty afterward too. Try to maintain the intimacy, avoid off topic conversation and critical remarks, and just be there for Him. In a BDSM experience, a Dom often feels a level of mastery and control akin to being a Greek god. Coming back to earth can be difficult and more than a little painful.
Doms, you should realize that not every experience with your sub will be mindblowing, but, when it is, her mind will really be blown. Sub drop is a topic for another day, and maybe one I’m not particularly qualified to write on, is basically a natural counterpart to the tremendous high of a BDSM experience. It can happen for many reasons, and it doesn’t always happen. Aftercare is designed to help with sub drop, but it does much more and is needed even where there is no sub drop. It is part of a relationship and part of forging that connection between you and your sub. There are many ways to do this, and, as long as you’re paying attention to her needs and her reactions, it’s hard to go wrong. A skilled Dom will be able to handle aftercare covering the full range of experiences—from a quicky in a public place to a scene that’s so intense it’s triggering. Adapt and pay attention. Though there’s nothing set in stone, here are some ideas I’ve found useful:
Make love to her. Gently, sweetly, and completely. Be fully present. Notice I didn’t say fuck her, and I don’t think it matters whether you do this with your hands, mouth or cock, but somehow create an experience where the union of your bodies brings you together. Ironically, aftercare can be as simple as this.
Think about what’s about to happen to her body in the next few minutes. If things were really intense, she’s covered in sweat, but even if not she’s going to cool down and start shivering very soon when “things” stop. Cover her with a sheet. If she’s restrained, remove them and gently rub her limbs to get the blood flowing. Tend to only the most serious physical needs (i.e. is she bleeding anywhere?) right now, and then wrap her in a warm blanket. You do not want her shivering from being cold.
She is (and maybe you are too) in an altered state of consciousness right now. Her body is flooded with hormones, her breathing and heart rate have been crazy, and she’s been out on the edge emotionally. Speak to her clearly and simply. Don’t do anything that could confuse her. Watch her carefully, at least for the first few minutes afterwards—just assume she’s intoxicated or high. Certainly don’t let her drive immediately (say, within half an hour), and, depending how intense things were, maybe don’t let her out of your sight. If she’s going to walk outside to get a smoke, probably a good idea you go too. I’d usually encourage her to just lay there, but this is also one of those times a Dom wants to exert less control. Let her find her comfort and if that’s getting up and moving, just make sure she does it safely.
Give her a drink of water. If you planned ahead, there’s a glass of water beside the bed. If not, don’t confuse her. Tell her clearly to stay where she is and that you will be right back, go get her a glass of water and tell her to drink. Remember, she’s not quite in her right mind at this point so be very clear and don’t leave any room for confusion.
There’s nothing “standard” from here. Spend time with her. Everyone is different, but most girls want to be held gently in this time. Stroke her hair, tell her she’s beautiful, tell her you’re proud of her and she pleased you. Tell her she was a good girl. If it’s appropriate, tell her you love her. Hold her while she drifts off to sleep, or maybe just drifts for a while.
If you talk, keep it simple and supportive. What went well? Ask her what she liked most. Tell her how sexy she was. Words are often not needed in this time, but it’s also possible to do a little debriefing and learn more about how her body and mind work… good to know next time.
The point of all of this is basically to return to the real world. If she goes to sleep, she will probably wake up relatively “ok”. If you are awake, maybe do something together afterward. Order pizza and watch television. Go out to eat. Play video games. Fuck again. Whatever works. ;)
Once you both come back to reality, does she have any other physical needs that require attention? Bruises? Scrapes? Usually the answer is probably no, but basic first aid is important here.
Very important and often neglected: check in with her tomorrow. Nasty sub drops can still happen a day or even longer after an intense experience. Even if this is someone you played with casually, a phone call might not be a bad idea.
One last thought, that I think is nearly completely neglected: after care is important online too. Maybe if you just play with someone for 15 minutes in chat or exchange a few text messages, not much is needed. But some online experiences can be very, very intense (after all, you’re playing with her mind, not her body) and the Dom has an obligation to care for the sub afterward. I think it can be as simple as talking “normally” afterward—tell jokes, laugh, make it clear to her that you’re interested in more than just sexy chat and seeing her on webcam. Last thought: especially online, things can go downhill rather quickly for her over the next few days, especially if you took her someplace she’s never been before. Think carefully because you’re dealing with another human being on the other end of the connection. You have a responsibility and an obligation to be the best for her you can be.
I’ll enable answers to this post so other people can comment and share ideas. Like I said, it’s not authoritative, but just some ideas drawn from my experience.
After the chaos of our scene, she grew quiet and small. She balled herself up in my arms and whispered “do you really think I am disgusting?”
I held her tightly and kissed her forehead and shook my head.
“I think you are wonderful and sweet and pretty and good. You are very good. You are perfect,” I said as she pulled on my arms to hold her tighter.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
We sat like that for a while. She straddled my leg as she sat on my lap and I rocked her a little. As I lifted her up and down a little, like playing horsy, her breath caught.
“And fucking disgusting. A disgusting little slut who can’t control herself. A slave to her wet greedy cunt’s endless needs,” I said, biting her ear and neck between words.
She whimpered and hid her face in my chest.
And her hips pumped as she rode my leg, her wetness slick on the thick muscles of my thigh.
I’m a averagely expereinced Dom and my Sub (God Bless her little cotton socks (yes, with the cute little pink pom-poms) are just arriving into the DDLG space.
I just want commend G on her blog.
It has provided me with (much needed!) guidance on how to PROPERLY traverse the very delicate balance between the intermingled spaces of BDSM and DDLG and, treat my (comparatively - 3 months) new Sub in the LG role she wants (which is new and different for me) in the BEST way I can.
Being a beginner and, after reading this blog the stress given to aftercare CANNOT be reinforced enough (learnt early from the D/S space for most I hope!).
It seems the more the world evolves the more.. ‘vanilla’ BDSM becomes - but less and less understanding is also evident. Crap in certain recent books and films makes everyone think they’re Dom or Sub, but gives them absolutely zero insight into the psychology of a Sub-Drop, or for that mater, the much less ‘talked about’ Dom Drop, or anything else that truly matters in our world.
Anyway - I rant.
Thanks G for an AWESOME forum/blog.
My congrats to you and anyone who you deem worthy to love, in whatever role or capacity.
-T
T,
Thank you so much for your lovely note. I’m so glad my blog has helped you start your new adventure off in the best way possible! I have taken a bit of a hiatus from my LG role to recover from the loss of the nearly 3 year relationship I held so dearly. I hope to be back soon, but time is my healer. My words and advice remain on the blog for inspiration - please share them.
~G
More DD/LG advice & naughtiness on DaddysDLG.Tumblr.com
So it seems our time together is soon to be over. If anyone knows where everyone else is going, please let me know.
I’m truly broken hearted that I will be losing this connection to all of my brothers and the MEN i have met because of this platform. I suppose that just like a life of service, this tumblr ride has a beginning, a middle and an end.
If there is a place you guys think i should restart, let me know.
Please do not forget to stay proud of who u are and what u are built to do.
They can push us off their platforms. They can try to separate us from each other. They can try to stop our communication, but lust and worship will live on as long as humans exist.
I’m so sorry that our society is fucking terrified of sexuality and what the body can do.
Fucking rail against it. Be the whore you want to see in the world.
Most importantly, remember that u have brothers and MEN out there who love you for exactly who you are.
Now. How do i keep from having serviceorientedsub disappear forever?
