Well, we got kinda derailed there with my computer troubles. But I promised I’d tell you about our little trip we took a couple weeks ago to look at houses and whatnot. Not that it’s particularly interesting or anything, but hey.
The house part isn’t all that interesting, at least. Going in, I didn’t really have anything specific I wanted in our new house. She’s been asking me for a while to make like a list of features I want, but I didn’t have anything. Other than her being there. That’s what I’m looking for in a house, for her to be in it. If the house comes with her, I’m pretty sure I’ll like it.
But after seeing some houses, I’m kinda into bathrooms now. Like the main bathroom that connects to the master bedroom. The “en suite” they apparently call it. We saw this bathroom in one house and it looked like something out of a spa. There were these silver strips going up the front and back walls of the shower with multiple nozzles in them. So the water shoots out in several streams. And there’s really no front or back to the shower because it gets you from both ends. Then there was a big square thing overhead that brings water straight down on you like rain.
It was really cool. And with no front or back it’s perfect for two people to shower at once, which is nice. I wanted to take a shower in it right then, but it turns out that’s frowned upon if you don’t own the house.
So that was the one thing I told the realtor I really wanted, a cool bathroom like that. Otherwise I mostly walked around the houses we looked at thinking “Hmm, we could do it there and right there and over there”. Examining every single room for potential sex spots, that was my thing.
But beyond all that, we talked a lot beforehand about whether we were going to say we were a couple while we were there. It’s a weird thing, as you can probably imagine. Or maybe you can’t really imagine it, but you can probably appreciate that it’s weird.
It’s like… in terms of presenting ourselves as a couple, the smart thing would seem to be to take it slow. Dip our toe in the water carefully. Because if we go there outwardly as a couple and then, oops, someone who knows us somehow lives down the street, that’s going to be awkward. And as unlikely as something like may be, I think we have to be prepared.
But at the same time, say that on the day we move in some neighbors come up to introduce themselves. Do we not say we’re a couple? Do we try to be vague and then months later, once we’re comfortable with it, be like “Oh hey, by the way, we’re a couple”? And what if when they come over to introduce themselves, they ask what our relationship is? Some people are nosy like that.
So we decided, at least for this one week there, that we weren’t going to like flaunt anything. We weren’t going to make out in public. But if it came up, yeah, we were a couple. And we figured it would come up because we dealt with this one realtor our whole time there. If we were just meeting her once, that would be one thing. But seeing her several times, it was hard to imagine it not coming up at some point.
And it did come up. Right on the first day. We mentioned being together and the realtor lady didn’t even seem to think twice about it. Not that if she was thinking like “You are? Seriously?” that she would have shown it. She wants to sell a house. But still, it was our first real public declaration of being a couple. And it went well. It was pretty awesome, really.
I think on our vacations we’ve probably met random people and said that we were a couple. I don’t remember doing it this year, but in the past we may have. Doing it in the place we’re moving to, though, that felt a lot more meaningful.
Anyway… we didn’t make any final decisions as far as a house goes, but we narrowed it down to a couple. Although I think we may still look at a few more. But we’re going back again the second week of 2016 to hopefully make a final decision.
[id: screenshot of a tiktok that’s captioned ‘getting to the point in hyperfixations where you imagine them doing every mundane thing you’re currently doing’. the comment section is open slightly so we see a reply from an account named 'transspock’ that says 'Damn I’m drinking water… I bet Spock drinks water……’ this comment has been liked by the creator of the tiktok. /end id]
I told my grandma I was, “not as convinced as I used to be,” that homosexuality is wrong. (Which is technically the truth since I don’t think it’s wrong at all anymore) And she told me she wanted to spank me (I’m 26), teared up, and tried to tell me why I was wrong. I did my best to explain why, from a Biblical perspective, it is possible to believe homosexuality isn’t a sin, ya know, hypothetically. She is convinced it’s a conspiracy.
The conversation started because she asked me what I think she should do about the wedding reception of my sort-of-2nd cousin and her wife.
How the heck do people come out in this culture when I’m sitting here scared to come out as an ally?
I really don’t mean to intrude on your thoughts/situation and etc, but I wish to offer a little bit if my perspective on this, maybe it helps you.
I think this whole thing has a lot more layers than simply “come out as an ally”.
My point is that standing your ground (and even clashing) against people with whom you have an emotional link, specially when this relationship have the weight of untold authority/respect, is extremely hard.
Coming out to society was way easier for me than coming out to my family, and I don’t even made it “official” to more than the four members that I knew it would made me feel bad if they didn’t accept and love me the same. The rest of the family probably knows since I make no secret, but their opinion simply don’t weight the same to me to care.
Everything came out fine with them, but boy I was scared to death the whole time, because they are the people that I treasure the most and that have my total and completely respect. I was completely aware that what I was telling them went against their deeply rooted beliefs, that they could easily take it on a personal level because that’s what people do when there’s a emotional link both with you and with their beliefs, and that they could just dismiss me because they held a position of authority in my life and try to bent me over what they believe is right.
It’s scary because you know how much damage these people can do to you emotionally, and it extends to any other sensitive topic other than the LGBTQ+ community, it goes to anything you do in/with your life that stands against their beliefs.
A friend once told me that “you have to be willing to pay the price to be who you are” and it stuck to me ever since.
There’s a price to be an ally of any kind. I, for example, became the “warrior of Justice”, the “annoying social justice” cousin, the “holier than thou” niece, etc, in my family because after I came out I decided to not admit anyone to be misogynistic, racist, ablleist, terf, homophobic, while I’m in the room.
It was my decision individually, and it’s not easy: I have to educate myself constantly, I have to analyze things in order to not be lured into misleading representations (as I naively did with R*ck Riordan when I was young), I have to be ready to discuss and even fight with my own family (and it gets dirty with a few members) and friends all the time, I have to be willing to shut up and listen when I’m wrong, I have to engage in petitions/protests/movements, and the list goes on.
Sometimes it’s overwhelming, sometimes I get tired of repeating the same things to the same people over and over, sometimes it hurts a lot when I find out all the problems in things I love (books, movies, music, TV shows), sometimes I loose friends, sometimes it feels like I take one step further and ten back and sometimes I feel like giving up.
But then I don’t. Because all of this is hard, it’s heavy, but that’s who I’m. And it’s infinitely worse not being who I’m in order to take a “easier” life.
I know that it sounds like I’m calling you out to take a stand, but I’m swear by all means that I’m not, I would never do something like this to anyone because I know how much time you need to process all this, how much energy destroying and rebuilding ourselves it takes, and how it’s a never-ending process.
What I wish to do is offer you the bigger picture of what come out as an ally really is, how it’s harder and heavier than just answering your grandma “I think you should get them an amazing gift” like it was nothing, it takes a lot more and maybe you’re just not ready yet, and that’s ok.
Maybe all you can afford to do now is be a silent supporter, and that’s fine, simply refusing to reproduce what people around you are doing, refusing to engage in bigoted conversations, walking out of ambients where people are being toxic are all big valid steps to make and will help later when you decide to become confrontational.
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate all the time and heart you put into it. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for the encouragement and for the understanding.
I know that becoming who I want to be is a journey, not a destination, but sometimes it’s hard to see the progress I’m making.
Last year my brother and I started hiking the Appalachian trail in sections. We started with 100 miles (160 km) in Maine which is incredibly mountainous. On our last day we reached the peak of Whitecap Mountain and were able to look back to where we had started 5 days before. It was a stunning moment to see how those 200,000 odd steps over incredibly rough terrain led us to a place that was amazing, not just for how beautiful it was, but for what we had given to get there.
You telling me your story and helping me look back on how far I’ve come has been like that moment for me. I know I still have over 2100 miles (3300 km) to go, but seeing what I’ve already overcome gives me hope that I can do it.
I told my grandma I was, “not as convinced as I used to be,” that homosexuality is wrong. (Which is technically the truth since I don’t think it’s wrong at all anymore) And she told me she wanted to spank me (I’m 26), teared up, and tried to tell me why I was wrong. I did my best to explain why, from a Biblical perspective, it is possible to believe homosexuality isn’t a sin, ya know, hypothetically. She is convinced it’s a conspiracy.
The conversation started because she asked me what I think she should do about the wedding reception of my sort-of-2nd cousin and her wife.
How the heck do people come out in this culture when I’m sitting here scared to come out as an ally?
For real tho who wants to go start a little witch town where I can trade you the herbs I grew for the sweater you knit with the wool you got from the girl up the road with the sheep, and we’ll all go to farmers market on weekends to sell potions and read tarot for people with too much money
FRIENDS WHO LIVE IN CALI LIKE “IM FREEZING ITS SO COLD IM WEARING 3 COATS A SCARF IM WRAPPED IN A BLANKET N DRINKING COCOA” AND IM LIKE “HOW COLD IT IS????” THINKING ITS BELOW ZERO AND THEYRE LIKE “55 DEGREES” LIKE BRUH UR WEAK
apologies to anyone who ever thought i was cool and reached out to me only to discover i am just a weird little hermit who can’t carry on a conversation to save my life
