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Naughty Nonsense

{Ao3} {Ko-Fi}
18+ & NSFW
Header by @kokoko-sir
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Almost entirely Shallura ^_^
Create & enjoy, don't hate & destroy
Post Total: 612 Latest posts
jerma2:pissvortex:CUNT WARS IS REAL???Cunt wars is real




Cunt wars is real

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Absolutely losing my mind trying to mimic the bad dialogue from 18th century porn pamphlets…

I feel like the words “Dost see my ass? Doth it not beckon?” are burned in my brain at this point

Wish people still spoke like this in porn :/

Sade missed his calling as a sexual comedy writer



[Be the boy who makes other boys try anal]


Hey everyone! I made this one for SJ Ship Day and posted it to Twitter on the day completely forgetting to upload here!!

As a side note, I’ve gone through and tagged all my SJ or Stargate art as #marleywardsjart so if you would like to find them that’s where they will be if you search that tag on my profile





This might be the funniest reply I’ve ever seen in my life




That one post that’s like “Why do people always write characters in fantasy and historical settings with a generic ‘vial of oil’ by the bed?” always bugs me

Like what’s not clicking

It’s sex oil for sex, clearly in this setting that’s what it’s specialized for and why it’s there

“What kind of oil? Cooking oil? Saddle oil? Lamp oil?” No clearly it’s a kind used for this purpose

Why do you want an explanation mid sex scene for the production history of this oil. Why is it weird to you that there’s not an in depth explanation of the history of this oil

Do you read contemporary fiction and say “Um excuse me what do you mean there’s a ‘tube of lube’ by the bed? What kind of lube? Is it machinery lubricant? Surgical lubricant? You didn’t explain as the sex scene happened and now I’m so confused!”

Like. Why is this something that breaks a scene for you.

kronk voice:








i dont usually add to posts but jsyk their whole twitter is Like That

okay so like… maybe one company can do rainbow capitalism

Just went to follow them and saw they reposted this:


Selina Kyle would dump his ass in minutes..



I dedicate this to @tybalt-tisk for the outfit inspiration. :) We’re in Allura’s quarters, like the sitting room or something. Fun little headcanon, the pendant Allura is wearing is actually an Altean locket. Except you hold down on the pendant and a hologram of your loved ones appears and you can have multiple images on it.

Close ups







Just as a reference, these two posts are written by fanfiction loving gay cis men, who have a lot of great first-hand knowledge of the kinds of sex that two people with penises have! They are (used to be?) really well known, but I know a lot of younger folks may be writing fic and have never come across them!

A well known classic, incredibly informative website with tons of information. Rather dated at this point with regards to the cultural descriptions, but the mechanics are spot on!

Gay Sex is All Wrong in Fanfic
More recently written (2014), and addresses a lot of misconceptions that tend to pop up in mlm fic written by afab people!


Writers of m/m smut should definitely read those links.  I try not to preach about how other people write, but sometimes it’s very obvious who has what level of sexual experience/sexual experience with men/anal sex.

I can speak a little about how we got here as a fanfiction community tho.  Back in the 90s when writing slash was still not really the fandom mainstream, there were a lot of women writing m/m sex as if it was just m/f sex.  And there started to be a lot of call-outs written about how necessary things like preparation and lube were for anal sex.

And it at some point went overboard.  To the point where if you DON’T write extensive finger-preparation you will almost definitely get people commenting on it negatively.  I often will include this kind of stuff just to avoid anyone getting upset with me.

But the most important idea to keep in mind when writing sex is that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.  Someone might need a huge amount of time to ease into anal and someone else might need zero prep.  Some people orgasm from something and others don’t, etc. 

Real sex is FAR less formulaic than fanfiction sex and I would like to see more representation of that. 

Oh gosh it’s been an age since I went to Minotaur’s site.

Oh, man. Minotaur :( 

I still miss him.

Minotaur is still around?

His websites are. His friends host them as memorials.
(He died suddenly in 2009.)




Me: [supposed to be writing some Dragon Age smut]

Also Me: [scrolling through]

((Andthis is the smut ficlet for Lion Soul. Chronologically, it’d be the first one after the main story, before “Coming Storm” and even before the ficlet I posted on main. It hasn’t seen much editing, but here y’all go anyway.))

           She spread out the blanket when they were well away from camp. “We’ll stay out here tonight.”

           “Oh, why’s that?” he asked, grinning as he took a seat.

           “Well, I’d like to watch the stars with you again, once the sun sets,” she told him. And that was true. It was a lovely early autumn evening, not too warm nor too cold, and the skies were clear. She wasn’t lying.

           But trust her lifelong companion to see straight through her. “Leadership is driving you nuts, isn’t it?”

           “SO MUCH,” she groaned, dropping down beside him and leaning against his shoulder.

           He pulled his arm away so he could loop it about her waist. “You’re good at it though. You were destined for it.”

           “Sometimes I wish I weren’t.”

           “Stop grousing. You’d go crazy if you weren’t a leader, too.”

           “So there’s no hope for me, then? Insanity is my future, one way or another?”

           “No, no. I will always be here to help you, my queen.”

           She rolled her eyes. “I am not a queen. Stop using human terms.”

           “You’re my queen,” he insisted, kissing her cheek.

           “Stop it,” she growled.

           He just grinned at her. “Make me.” And he was up on his feet before she could stop him. Well, she could’ve stopped him, if she hadn’t been so surprised. She leapt up and grabbed his hand, pulling him to a stop before he could get much farther than the nearest tree.


           “Just because you have hold of me doesn’t mean I’m going to stop calling you ‘my queen’,” he paused before adding cheekily, “my queen.”

           She growled again and pulled him towards her. When he got within reach, he suddenly kissed her.

           She blinked, but couldn’t help melting a little, eyes fluttering closed. They were newly-mated still, and damn him if he wasn’t well aware of the effect he had on her. At the oddest (and often most inopportune) moments, she caught herself thinking of him.

           This was neither odd nor inopportune.

           She pressed him against the tree, hefting him up easily and propping a leg between his. He was surprised at first, but then he laughed.

           “What’s funny?” she demanded, all but growling.

           “So impatient, my queen,” he purred teasingly.

           She grinned at him, sliding her hands around to his ass. “I feel like we’re still making up for lost time.” She leaned in, intending to go for his neck, but he blocked her mouth with his own. She didn’t protest, welcoming his tongue into her mouth, his hand combing into her hair. She readjusted her grip on him before pressing herself forward more, between his legs. He wrapped them around her, and his free hand took tight hold of her clothes.

           She stroked his outer thigh through his pants. He pulled his head away just as she tried to bite his bottom lip, and grinned at having dodged the “attack.” She tried again, and he dodged again. “Now, now, no need for that.” He leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “I’m already yours, my love, and have been for a long time. You don’t have to remind me.”

           She exhaled, closing her own eyes. “More like I’m reminding myself.”

           He straightened up and smiled gently at her. “Oh, should I remind you then?”

           She pulled her leg away and lowered him down to let him regain his feet. “Yes, please.”

           He smiled. “Go stand in the middle of the blanket.” She did so, and he walked up behind her. “Close your eyes.” She did. He ran his hands down her arms and leaned in to kiss her neck. She shivered pleasantly and waited for him to bite her. She assumed that was his plan.

           But instead he nuzzled her throat and peppered her skin with kisses, falling on her like warm rain. His hands slid back up her arms, then over to her chest, down over her still-clothed breasts to her hips. She sighed and leaned back against him. It wasn’t a cold day, but the breeze nipped occasionally. She wanted to curl up in Shiro’s warmth like he was a sunbeam.

           She felt the belt at her waist begin to loosen. “Is this okay?” he asked against her skin.

           She nodded, then licked her lips. “Yes, it’s fine.”

           He resumed kissing and licking and removing her clothing. He took his time, and stayed close behind her the all the while. But eventually she leaned back against him more insistently, pressing her back to his chest. She was still mostly clothed. He paused.

           “You’re feeling vulnerable.”

           She nodded.

           “Is there someone out there?”

           She shook her head.

           “Do you still want me to continue?”

           She hesitated. His warmth left her back and she would’ve spun around if it weren’t for the fact that his hands were trailing around her waist. He was moving in front of her. “Look at me, ‘Lura.” She opened her eyes.

           He put his hands on her shoulders. “I will never do what you don’t want me to. And I know that I am not the warrior you are. But I will protect you in all things.” His dark eyes held hers. “I love you. That will never change. My love for you is as steady as the earth beneath your feet; I am as rooted in you as the trees in the soil. You are never alone.”

           She threw herself into his arms. “I love you. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

           “Is that what this is about?” He pulled away just enough to be able to look at her. “Well, you’ve always been kind of dense about emotions.”

           “What?!” she shrieked. He let go and fled, hiding behind the tree. She chased him around it a few times until he tripped and fell onto the blanket and she pounced on him before he could get back up. “You little…!”

           “Oh no, I’ve been caught by the savage lion queen!” he declared melodramatically. “Too bad she’s ticklish!” He launched an assault on her ribs, and she screamed again and tried to escape. It was his turn to pounce on her and unleash tickling fury. She gave as good as she got though. They rolled around, tickling and laughing, until he held up his hands. “Mercy! I yield!”

           She was on top of him, breathing hard and grinning in her triumph. “And if I am not inclined to be merciful?”

           He gasped. “You would not offer a defeated foe terms for surrender? So cold, my lovely queen!”

           Her grin shifted into a smirk as she leaned down towards him. “I can warm up, under the right circumstances.”

           “Which are…?”

           “You’ll find out,” she purred, and nipped at the end of his nose.

           “Hey!” But he laughed and slid his arms around her again. “I love holding you like this. I love being able to tell you how much I love you. And I especially love being able to show you how much I love you.”

           “I’ll bet you do.” She kissed him quickly. “You do seem to enjoy it.”

           “And you don’t?” He sounded worried.

           “It’s thrilling,” she told him, and he exhaled in relief. “It’s wonderful. I love feeling so close to you that I can’t tell where you leave off and I begin.”

           He smiled up at her, and she leaned in to kiss him again, her hands going for his waist and the cloth wrapped there. He nipped at her lower lip and she sat up and grinned at him, tugging on the cloth.

           “Do you want to finish undressing yourself and I’ll work on getting out of my clothes?” he offered.

           “Hmm, I don’t know. I kind of like unwrapping you. Like a present.”

           “As you wish,” he said. “But it’ll be easier if you let me stand.”

           “Oh, fine.” She got up and offered him a hand. Once he was back on his feet, she tore into his clothes in earnest (not literally; they did still have to get back to camp at some point).

           He just watched her pushing clothes back and down and off of him, helping when he needed to. But he kept his eyes on her, observing with an intensity that made her wonder if this was what it felt like to be hunted.

           As soon as the last stitch had been shed, he pulled her in to kiss her. It was sudden, deep, but not hard. Her mouth practically melded to his, and she fit herself against him so naturally. He kept kissing her lips as he shooed away her own remaining clothing. Her hands ran over his back as if she were learning the landscape of his body all over again. She wanted her fingertips to memorize every inch of him.

           She stepped out of her pants and pressed her fully-nude body against his. He smiled down at her, and her heart raced faster. She pressed a hand to his cheek, and he leaned into her touch. He brushed her own cheek with his fingers, and her eyes fluttered closed. “Lay down,” he murmured softly, and he accompanied her in the action.

           She stretched out along the blanket, facing up to the sky, and he laid beside her, hand drifting over her skin. “You’re so lovely.” Fingertips whispered over her most sensitive areas, then pressed with more confidence into the rest of her flesh. He traced loops and whirls over her breasts and belly, let his full palm slip over her thighs. “Every part of you amazes me.”

           “Stop,” she said, blushing more at his words than his caresses.

           “Never,” he vowed. “The day I am unable to sing your praises is the day I die.”

           “Don’t sing them,” she told him. “Whisper them softly into my ear every night as we lay together.”

           He grinned and leaned down to breathe against her ear, “I promise.” She shivered again, the heat of his breath a stark contrast to the chilly breeze.

           She lifted a hand to his shoulder and let it fall along his chest. “What shall I promise you in return?”

           “I couldn’t ask for more than I already have.”

           “You could ask for the moon and I would find a way to give it to you,” she said. She slid her hand around to his back and pressed him closer.

           He didn’t resist. “I don’t want the moon. I only want you.”

           “You have me, just as I have you.”

           He smiled. “Then I don’t need anything else.”

           “I do.”

           His eyebrows went up. “You do? What do you need, my love?”

           She grinned, half-pulling him down and half-pushing herself up. “I need you to make love to me, to become one with me, to warm me from the inside out.”

           He pulled his hand away from her thighs just long enough to take her hand and lift the back of it to his lips. His eyes never left hers, and she felt herself blush.

           He let go and leaned in to kiss her lips. She combed her newly-released hand up into his hair and spread her legs as he slid atop her. He moved over to her cheek, then her ear, and she didn’t hesitate to bare her throat to him. He kissed and licked and nuzzled, never once biting – not so much as a nip! She watched his lips work their way down, between her breasts.

           His right hand palmed her left breast, and he let his thumb brush over her nipple softly. He shifted his mouth to her other breast, lapping at her nipple there before closing his mouth over it. His mouth was warm and wet and his tongue teased her, making her shift and giggle and sigh happily. The fingers of his right hand danced around her left breast then dipped along her side. She knew what he was likely to do, and tried not to shiver with anticipation.

           He pulled his mouth off of her breast to watch her face as he brushed her clit with his thumb. She sucked in a breath and he grinned. He knew exactly how to please her by now, yet still he watched her, as if checking to make sure she was enjoying it. He slid two fingers into her and pressed harder with his thumb – not too hard, but no longer teasing. She let her head loll back and moaned, pushing her hips towards his hand.

           “Your pleasure is so wonderful.” His voice was almost quiet with awe, and she felt her whole body heat from his words. “I could watch you descend into rapture over and over again.”

           “It’s your fault,” she told him with as much breath as she could muster. “You and only you. You’re the only one who could ever know me so deeply. And the only one who ever will.”

           “You know me too well,” he replied, voice rich with satisfaction.

           “Stop. Let me return the favor,” she insisted suddenly.

           He did stop, fingers sliding out of her and leaving her already feeling empty. She almost regretted her decision as she sat up. Almost. “I had planned to bring you to your pinnacle first. You’re always more voracious than I am.”

           She grinned at him. “Lay back.” He did as ordered, and she was pleased to find him half-hard for her already. “You can use your hand to satisfy me again after we’re done. I want us to be together as perfectly as possible.”

           He smiled. “I won’t complain.”

           “I didn’t think you would, somehow.” She kissed him, then successfully tugged on his lower lip with her teeth. “Ha.”

           He chuckled but said nothing. She let her hands wander over his well-muscled body, taking her time to savor his skin. She watched as he closed his eyes to concentrate better on her touch, and smiled. With him more or less unaware, she scooted down the blanket, swung herself over him and in between his legs, and slid her mouth onto him.

           She was pleased to see his eyes shoot open at that, but she just reached forward and pushed him back down. He groaned softly and dropped back. She pulled her mouth off of him, but only so she could lick her way up from the base of his shaft to the head. He groaned louder. She teased the tip and slid her mouth back onto him. He arched his hips a little, and she almost grinned. She repeated the lick up and suck down motion, and his hand seemed to just appear in her hair.

           “If you want us to come together, you need to stop doing that,” he warned her, breath ragged.

           She sat up, feeling pleased with herself. “I was enjoying myself.”

           “I’d rather go back to enjoying you. It’s safer.”

           She laughed. “Am I dangerous to you, Shiro?”

           “Very,” he agreed huskily. She grinned and swooped in for a searing kiss. He took hold of her face with both hands as he returned it enthusiastically.

          When he tried to roll them over, she allowed it, and he looked down at her, breathless and already enraptured. She smiled up at him as she took hold of his hips. “My love.” She slid one of her legs against his.

          He kissed her again briefly, then lifted her hips just so. He’d learned quickly exactly how best to enter her, and she couldn’t help arching up off the blanket as the thick, hard heat of him filled her. He let out a shuddering breath before he started moving within her.

          She wrapped her legs around him, and his right hand took hold of her thigh as he pressed into her. She moaned his name at the back of her throat, his head bowed towards her neck, breath hot against her ear. She gripped at his shoulder but couldn’t hold on; each slow thrust sent sparks through her nerves. She dropped her hand along his arm, and he picked it up with his hand, fingers intertwining. He raised his head to look into her eyes as her legs tightened around him.

          Every motion he made both satisfied her and made her crave more. She rocked against him and a whimper escaped her. She needed more, her body cried out for it, but he was already as deep as he could be. But then, still looking her in her eyes, hands still clasped, he managed to gasp out, “I love you, ‘Lura,” and it was like a fire caught inside her, all at once. Combustion overtook her and she was distantly aware of liquid heat deep within her, but it was nothing compared to the sensation wracking her.

          The need to breathe came surging back into her all at once. It felt like her body was fighting to keep her from dying, but she’d never felt so alive as when she shared these moments with her one and only. Her eyes were still closed, everything was burning, and then there was a shift, and the emptiness returned, bringing with it the suddenly cold snap of the wind’s teeth on her hot skin. She opened her eyes.

          Shiro was laying on his back next to her, scraping together his own breath, sweaty and glorious. She rolled over onto her side towards him and he welcomed her against him. He kissed her forehead and she smiled. Neither spoke. Neither had to.


I dunno if other people think this way or if these are established terms or what, but for my money:

Voice Kink: a voice that really revs your engine if ya know what I mean. ^_~ Usually a type of voice (i.e., “I really love those deep, low voices that are almost a purr or a growl”), but not always.

Voice Crush: a specific voice that makes you smile like an idiot and blush a lot. More often a specific character or VA (i.e., well, not to put too fine a point on it, but ALISTAIR), but not always. 

I kind of see them thrown around to mean the same thing a lot, but for me they’re different things. This may just be my ace ass, though. I have specific voice crushes, absolutely - Josh Keaton, Midorikawa Hikaru, ALISTAIR [ahem] -  but I don’t have a specific type of voice that gets me worked up. Again, that may just be because, well, ASEXUAL OVER HERE.

For me, the defining characteristic is the reaction. I imagine someone with a specific voice kink would be like, “Ooooh, who is that? I like them, they can read me a phone book anytime.” Whereas I tend to be like, “WHAT IS THAT CHARACTER’S NAME I AM GOING TO LOOK THEM UP ON IMDB RIGHT NOW AND… I KNEW IT.” ^_^; (that is, I can identify my voice crushes just hearing them: see also, Avad from Horizon Zero Dawn).

Still, kink seems a bit more… generalized compared to crush, so part of it is the writer bit of me going, “But they really aren’t the same thing!”

Oh hey, while looking through some stuff, I found a little Lion Soul smut ficlet. Any interest in my posting it?

Kivral watched out of the corner of her eyes as Alistair shed his armor, getting down to just shirt, pants, and boots. “I saw a river back there; who wants first bath?” he asked.

“You can have it,” everyone said in unison. 

He laughed it off, grabbed a towel from his pack, accepted the bar of soap Wynne offered him, and headed in that direction. Kivral waited a bit, focused on pitching her tent, and then she, too, began to shed some of the louder and shinier bits of her armor. 

“Claiming seconds?” Leliana asked.

“No, I just… I need to be among the trees.” And she walked off in a different direction than the one the large, sweaty shemlen had gone. 

And it wasn’t entirely a lie. She climbed a tree and jumped to the next one, landing less gracefully than she would have liked. It’s been so long. She took a circuitous route, enjoying going from tree to tree, getting back into the hang of moving silently among the branches. But she still made her way to the river, in plenty of time to find a good perch and watch. 

I shouldn’t be here rang through her mind over and over. It was wrong. It was an invasion of his privacy, and Alistair had always been good to her. It was wrong. He was a shemlen and she was one of the Dalish. It was wrong to watch, to even want to see. 

She stayed where she was, laying across two branches, eyes riveted to Alistair’s body, his modesty protected only by the reflection of the downing sun on the water. He seemed to glow in the oncoming sunset, and it made her heart race. She watched his muscles move beneath scarred skin, listened to him hum a little tune, watched him submerge to wash off the soap and surface again with a gasp of air. 

She could ask. Maybe she even should. Maybe he was waiting on her to slyly suggest he join her in her tent. He cared for her, he’d kissed her! Their kisses had long since started to become more heated, more passionate; lips had begun to wander from lips to seek out cheeks and jawlines and the thrum of darkspawn-tainted blood in each other’s throats. 

But she wanted more

She wanted to know what his hands felt like on her skin, what he’d feel like inside her, what he’d sound like as they made l- fucked. Falling for Alistair - as she was - was hard to admit sometimes, but dammit, this was pure lust throbbing through her body right now. 

She knew he’d yell and be embarrassed if she swung down from the trees. She knew he’d never been with anyone before and took the concept of his first time more seriously than she’d taken hers. Chantry teaching, she supposed.

But as she watched him wash up in the river, her mind imagined an entirely different scenario:

He’d be surprised still, of course, but he’d understand when she began to strip down. He’d watch her, getting hard, and then walk out of the river to her, to pull her in against his body and kiss her with every bit of Chantry-suppressed passion he had in him. She’d break away and order him to lay down and then she’d join him - because of course he’d do as she asked - and kiss him again, deeply, as she took hold of him and stroked to get him hard. Then she’d swing a leg over him, mount him, maybe tease him a little, just to see this human desperate for her, and then she’d rise up and hold his cock in place for her to ease down onto. And he’d moan throatily as she took him in, it’d be so easy when he was still wet from the river and she was practically dripping from how badly she wanted him. 

His name would tremble on her lips as he filled her and when she began to move, it wouldn’t take him long to respond in kind, in rhythm, the two of them falling into the same easy knowledge of each other they had on the battlefield by now, and his hands would go to her hips to help her move the way they both wanted. 

And then he would roll them over, the better to kiss her as he started to fuck her deep and hard, his desire for her winning out over the objection of past priestesses and their prim insistences on… whatever it was the Chantry taught about such things, she had no idea, nor did she care. Especially not when she was caught up in this vision of Alistair thrusting into her, moaning her name against her ear and panting about howgood it felt to be with her. 

She blinked out of the vision as Alistair - here in the real world, where she was being a perverted little sneak - approached the riverbank. It was wrong to watch, she should leave before… too late. She got a full view of Alistair and her eyes widened. That is… a lot. And he wasn’t erect, he’d just come out of a likely-chilly river, and… 

She bit her lip and darted back into the shadows of the tree, away from where he could possibly look up and catch sight of her. Oh, Creators, help me. She wasn’t even sure what she was praying for help with, exactly. 

She waited until he had passed her position and then exhaled, unaware until then she was even holding her breath. When she was sure her legs would hold her, she went back to running through the trees, just for the need to move… and to get as far away from the river and the thoughts she’d been having as possible.