A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. “Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!” “I’m kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?”
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. “Hey, champ! How you doing?”
The kid ignores him.
“Don’t like champ, huh? That’s fine. How about BlueDragon72?”
The kid turns his head quickly. “I haven’t heard that name since I was ten…” He then realized. “It can’t be..”
“Call of Duty, right? I told you I’d bang your mom.”
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang. “3:45 PM”, he said.
“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”
Son: “Was it something I said?”
A young kid from Alabama moves to New York
He goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid replies, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama” They talk and get acquainted and the manager likes him so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come by after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he pulled through it. After the store was locked, the manager came down just like he said. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid replies, “One.” The boss glares at him and shouts, “Just one!? Our sales people average 20-30 customers per day!” .. “How much was the sale for!?” The kid replies “$121,237.65” The boss now shocked, “What in the hell did you sell!?”
The kids says, “Well first I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then a new fishing rod. So I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he needs a good boat, we went down to that department, and he got a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull the boat so I took him to the automotive department and sold him a truck.
The boss furrowing his brow said, "A guy came here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck???”
The kid replied, “No, the guy came here to buy tampons for his wife and I said ‘dude your weekend sounds shot, you should go fishing’.
An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.
The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”
The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which she took, and the score shows that she got them all right. “It took me two months to do this, and I got them all right on the first try!!”
“Oh you make me laugh” the science teacher says. He then pulls out a robot that he built which can do laundry, walk the dog, and shoot lasers out of its eyes. “Took me three months to build this beauty, watch and weep…”
Then the gym teacher comes laughing at all three of them. “You’re all idiots” He says. “Clearly I’m the smartest of you guys.”
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” The science teacher says.
“Because I didn’t have to do any of that, and I still get paid the same as you!”
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant…What’s on the out side?
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone “It’s what he would have wanted”
A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”
Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said “today is my birthday, i’m feeling LUCKY and I guess 8”.
The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, Rob, with his friend Marvin, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Rob asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Rob guessed 2. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Marvin said to Rob, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”
Rob replied, “No it’s genuine enough Marvin. My wife won twice last week.”
A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.
I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
“Hey, Craig, did the police come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Sure did, Eric. Thanks!”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
No one believes seniors … Everyone thinks they are senile
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ……
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn’t take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him “Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic”. The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year’s Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”
A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood
The nurse asks, what’s your blood type?
The rabbit says, “I’m probably a Type O”
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist’s office
“I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!” she sobbed.
“The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. “Not again….”
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.
He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!” He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!’”
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats a fucking ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
“Doctor, I think I’m going deaf.”
Doctor said, “Describe the symptoms.”
- “Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair…”
Why don’t ants get Covid?
Because they have tiny little anty bodies.